Sometimes, on those really long train rides that I find myself on, I being to really think.
I like to evaluate my life and everyone in it, and everyone absent.
I start to wonder about all the people I once called my best friends and I try to guess what they're doing right then. But I can never really come up with a satisfying answer for myself. I just don't know.
These thoughts are sometimes quite scary. They bring about emotions that I never thought I'd feel towards that person again. It can make me super happy or super lonely.
Then I being to wonder if my friends, right now, understand or know or ever even have a fleeting thought that I could be lonely. That despite having them around, I miss the people who were so present in my life years and years ago.
Do they just see me as the happy-go-lucky science chick who is too in over her head about getting into medicine?
Do they still see the musician I once was?
Am I still the stubborn, ignorant girl I was last year?
I don't really know how my friends perceive me, and that thought should be worrying, but I really don't think the way I perceive my friends is an accurate summation of who they are and where they are in life at the moment.
It's not that I don't know anything about them, I just don't think they ever give me the full story.
Just as I never really give the full story.
If you asked me to describe my friends, how they are as people and how their lives are going I'd never mention the opposing thoughts that are tearing Collin in two. Or the anguish Maria is feeling about finishing her stack of assignments and her upcoming move. Or even the fear that must be swallowing Bobs whole about AFTRS.
It's not that I don't know what's going on. We tell each other almost everything. I just don't know how they feel, and it's not their fault. It's the fact that maybe we're all a little ignorant about each others situation and we all stick to our roles.
My friends have certain roles they play in the group and separate roles they must take on during individual confrontation. That's who they are to me. The clown, the sassy drama queen, the protective presence ...
Despite what they're going through, they're still who I need them to be
But I'll always wonder how they see me
And I'll always wonder if I'd be happy with their representation of me
I just hope that I'm doing enough to be who they need me to be.