I guess everyone is feeling the same.
We're all having doubts about who we are and whether what we're doing with our lives is the right thing. Well is it?
I mean, it always comes down to this same feeling. This constant questioning in my head. Have I chosen the right path? Is this what I really want to do? Is that really what I want instead?
You know, I keep telling myself the same thing over and over, but the reality of it is beginning to elude me. Has for a while, actually.
Do I really want it? Yes.
Will I keep trying until I get it? That's what I'm telling myself.
Am I willing to give up the time? Well...
And it's so much harder because I don't currently have it, don't know what it's like. I mean, if I do, will my life be set? I've always imagined it to be so, but you're all familiar with these things. Just because you get what you want, doesn't mean you really wanted it in the first place.
Am I wasting my time? If it means I get what I think I want then, no. I am not.
But what if I don't?
What if I try my best and I don't succeed?
Will life guide me home? lol.
But in all seriousness. Not being able to get it is actually a more likely outcome than being on of the special few chosen, that's relevant for next year as well as five years down the line, and I know it.
If that is so, I'll be stuck.
Stuck with something that I don't what.
I could be doing something I'm actually good at.
But it doesn't interest me.
I guess that's what it all comes down to, huh?
Passion.
I am passionate about it.
Those reasons I gave were convincing because they are real
Nothing has changed
I know it's hard but i'll get there in the end.
Things always seem to work out. They'll twist and turn and loopty-loop backwards, but it'll work out. They always do.
And it get's better
If it's not, you'll know it's not the end.
sick.
so unbelievably sick
:'((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
I watched the teaser trailer on your blog, Cynthia and all I can say is
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(a scream of happiness and excitement)
so I'm in that place again where I miss everyone and everything seems pointless and I am just not as happy as I was.
everything has become so routine its no longer fun or exciting, i guess that's contributing to the overall mundane atmosphere of my life right now
so i turned 18 recently, it was actually quite great.
you know when you ask someone how they feel, you know, just turning 18. and they respond with: nothings changed. ? well i'm glad i felt differently when the time came. i was denied entry into the star thirty minutes before my birthday so it felt pretty spesh to be let in only half an hour later. and everyone bought me drinks. drinks are better than presents, i reckon. i also gambled. once. i lost. don't think i'll do it again. haha. the boys made the money back though so it's all good. i had my fun
and my turning 18, i think, has a lot to do with this mundane feeling. i actually feel old now. whenever i thought of adults as a kid i never thought you were actually one when you turned 18. but everything that constituted to being an adult, in my mind, [working, driving, responsibilities, worrying about money lol] has been thrust upon me and i just feel like a part of me has been stolen
i'm worrying a lot more too and i'm breaking out, which is a terrible thing.
i also couldn't donate blood because i've been overseas in the last 4 months.
i find that the things that were important to me only a few months before, i don't even think about anymore. and the things that are important now are the things i don't care about.
im just wallowing in this pit of nostalgia and regret and i hate it
and lol, im so gonna regret posting this later
but whatever
bye