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stay gold forever

being here with you

we were meant to fly

you got me
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Happy spring
Sunday, August 31, 2014 // 7:05 PM

So I came across this feature article...

a while ago. I skimmed through the entire thing, but at the time, I was just interested in point #4 because my friends and I were having a heated argument about the "friendzone" and nice guys etc.

But I re-read it this morning and idk what changed, but every point seemed relateable or understandable and as insignificant/long winded as most of the explanations were, I feel like it actually has the potential to help.

I used to DO so much more. My days used to pass with something that I could always look forward to accomplishing or practising or you know ... just doing... LOL

I've fallen into a rut this year and I stopped doing things for myself and for other people, but I took up learning. Let me explain, lol. I feel like everything I did up until 17 shaped me into a good person. I had a lot of skills and I was able to do things for others while also benefiting myself and it was great. I lived out 17 and most of 18 in pure bliss. I barely had a sad day or periods where I'd question my self worth and all that. But as I was nearing the end of 18, I started to realise that all the things I could do for others that made me happy or satisfied, well they all had other people who could do the same for them. The set of skills I'd acquired over my life was no longer... special? exceptional? idk. The right word doesn't matter here. But that's when I noticed a decline - not entirely because I lost the ability to make people happy. That's only a small part of it.

When I was hired for both Dymocks and Focus, I personally think I had a slight upper hand than most (past experience, good grades, free time, what have you) and that's why I was chosen. I had skills that most other candidates didn't. The work places needed me as much as I wanted to work there. But with the progression of time, I never put in the effort to exceed my own abilities and continue becoming an asset to them. I was the same person they hired a year ago with the same set of skills and no real change. That's when I became replaceable.

And I guess my lack of development didn't phase Dymocks too much because they like holding onto their workers, but when it came to an intellectual job like tutoring, my lack of skills was seen as a setback. And I don't blame them (my lack of skills is probably not even the reason I lost my job there but as I am trying to make a point, lets assume it contributed) I didn't go out of my way to figure out new techniques to teach new kids concepts that the old students definitely found confusing. I tried and tested a method and it didn't work. And instead of thinking of new methods, I'd just push the old one ... hoping that there would be one kid who would understand and use that as a justification for my method - it's not the way I teach, it's the stupidity of the students.

Like no, staph it Jess. I'm usually the ones ranting to my friends about how annoyed I get when some people aren't actually doing anything to benefit themselves, but I was just as guilty as those I've condemned (lol) and it didn't actually occur to me that I was the biggest hypocrite until today.

But that's changed (for the most part) ... (I hope)

I turned 19 and tried to give my self a tune up. I stopped doing the things I used to do (ones that would just let me barely scrape by) and tried learning new methods. I tried adopting a new mind set and began practising new skills. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm glad I have a little more direction now.

I guess what I'm trying to do is stop being just any other person who tries to fit into certain descriptions for others... like molding myself to be able to work a job or get along with another person... but, (I really didn't want to use this word but for lack of a better one) "reinvent" myself by accepting who I really am and accumulating the right abilities and skills so that I can become THE person employers and other people want (and need, obv ;) LOL

I hope this makes sense. I do recommend everyone read the article, cos it's actually quite enlightening. You can skip all the faux-retaliations and just read the title of each point and his explanation (should be just under it) if you're tight on time/bothered-ness LOL

Definitely an eye opener

Happy spring, deers!

The best day
Saturday, August 30, 2014 // 8:48 PM

Dearest diary,

Okay, so this is the last post for August and I really wanted to write something substantial and I had a really good topic and everything, but I'm just not feeling it. The situation and everything that accompanies it hasn't been something I've felt recently so I can't bring myself to talk smack about the way my mum can get me so angry. Cos I love her so much.

She is kinda like my best friend. It's like she knows everything about me even though she practically has no real knowledge about my life. She doesn't know the facts, but she can always see and understand how certain situations affect me and she just gets me... you know? Like based on my reactions and what mood I'm in, I don't even know how she does it! Cos I have friends who tell me practically everything and I see almost all their reactions and I still have trouble understanding them a lot of the time.

It's never anything she really does that gets me angry, it's more the fact that she still has such a strong hold over my life and also the fact that any small action can define how I am or how I feel that is kinda getting to me (or got to me) more? LOOK, I'M NOT EVEN SURE LOL OKAY EXAMPLE: I'm having a really shit day at uni or work or both and nothing is really going my way and when I get home, she makes something good or great for dinner and I'm so grateful, but I wanna eat it a certain way. Like she's always telling me not to overcook my noodles cos they're gonna be soggy, but I have literally been overcooking them for the last 10 years BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I FUCKING LIKE IT MUM and when I get her to make it for me while I shower or get changed (by her own advice), I remind her to make it that way and she doesn't cos that's just how she makes it and every other day I would just suck it up and eat it but that day I just couldn't deal - so I blew up at her and I feel so bad and I know she know's it was just a momentary thing, but like FUCK CAN YOU NOT MESS WITH MY FOOD LIKE I'VE HAD SUCH A LONG AND SHIT DAY CAN I JUST EAT THE SHIT THE (WRONG) WAY, BUT THE WAY THAT I LIKE, LIKE PLEASE LOL

Like I just want that one thing to go right in my day you know and it's such a trivial thing (on my part) BUT IT'S ALSO SUCH A SMALL THING THAT SHE DIDN'T ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO CHANGE like how hard is it to put the noodles in the microwave for an extra minute. Or to NOT put bean sprouts in my pho like, I was never asking her to go out of her way to make anything or to put in extra effort to do something for me. There was never anyone twisting her arm so she had to take the noodles out of the microwave early like LOL (okay so this was my rant)

That's the only thing that really upsets me when it comes to my momma. I guess it's a good thing, like I know of people who have substantial topics to fight over and they genuinely get upset over it and I'm here just complaining about how my mum can't cook something for an extra minute LOL

Anyway, I love my Mum. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. She does so much without asking for much in return (everything she has asked for is reasonable LOL) and I always want to help. I know she just wants the best for me :)

I just want to give back. That's like my ultimate goal in life. To give back to the people who have even remotely helped me in becoming the fantastic person I am today (and for all the people I have yet to meet who will also mold me into a better person, you know all experiences like good and bad cos I learnt yesterday that I can learn a lot from past negative experiences)

Speaking of yesterday. Everyone (even Sam!) arrived at Dymocks and we stripped the old store of all the books and shelves and moved to our two new stores. It was exciting at first, I was actually having quite a lot of fun. But asking someone to work 10 hours after only 5 hours sleep, still slightly drunk and after having a really shit week, well it gets really physically and emotionally draining. LOL Maria and I were so over it by 2 pm. I was exhausted, I could barely keep my head up to eat my dinner.

It was a good experience nonetheless.

I am going to miss the old store. But I'm also really excited for the new one. It is so much smaller, but it looks modern and makes me happy LOL

Here, have a photo!

Saturday, August 23, 2014 // 5:51 PM

Dearest diary,

I realised that I ran out of tea on Thursday morning so I left for my 9 am tutorial food-less and hot-beverage-less. I had to resort to drinking coffee on Friday and this morning (Sunday) which was kind of a bad call cos coffee always makes me hyperactive and no one really has the energy to match that at 10 in the morning so I end up being super chatty and fidgety and I come crashing down in about an hour or two and I can no longer do work :(

I guess it was a good thing that I didn't have any yesterday morning. We were all called into Dymocks at 7 am for a staff photo shoot! One of my work mates was dragged back from Goulburn to attend this 7 am (fiasco, only jks) because that's how important this photo shoot is to Westfields LOL (and all of us ofc.) When my manager gave me the call, he was all like "So Jess... we need you here at 7 on Saturday instead of 9." "Well, Manager, you know that doesn't make me very happy... but if my picture is being taken, I guess I can make an exception" "Oh Jess, you're a star!" "Honey, I know"

That last line may or may not have been said (but I assure you that's how the rest of the conversation went... just with lots more sarcasm)

So I pulled an 11 hour shift yesterday and after I transported by sister to her friends party and helped mum with dinner, I completely clonked out in bed at 9 pm and didn't wake up until just now (10 am). Normally I wouldn't be so tired even after an 11 hour shift, but the last few days have just been party party party for me (knot really) LOl but on Thursday, Maria, Bobs and I went to Brooklyn Social to eat and we grabbed a few drinks (my hate for Gin has never been this great) to celebrate her completion of her essay and my good test score and Bobs' being bored :)

We walked through China town and Maria bought me blueberry pocky at a Thai grocer. I was still a bit drunk so I was just walking around looking at all their delicious goodies and near yelled "Oh my god, they have jelly!" in a crowded but very quiet store LOL. Everyone looked. And judged. I have not been intoxicated like that in quite a while. We went to get Emperor puffs and chilled in Morning Glory. Maria sold one of her milk tea drinks to one of the workers there?????

Anyway, Friday night Hellen, Collin and I bought a bottle of Vodka and walked up and down John St at 10 pm trying to find orange juice to chase dat liquor. We had to settle for lemonade. Which was okay by me. We bought maccas and played poker in my car until we felt sick, even though we weren't "gonna drink the whole thing". Drama came to pick us up and drove us to the Bistro. Bobs, Will and Bao were there. We chilled and chatted and fucked around with Collin until 2 am when Kim came to pick us up. LOL Collin was sooooo wasted mannnnn (Norwegian accent) and on the ride home, we just spoke spanish to each other and it was great. And In 3.5 hours I had to wake up for work, where I was most definitely a star LOL

I had heaps of fun at the shoot, even though they just wanted one nice proper photo, it took us 30 mins to get one and they didn't really let us be wild animals or anything (until the very end), it was still funny LOL.

Anyway, that's why I've been drinking coffee recently. I really need to buy more tea. One of my uni mates told me that I was the only other second year she has spoken to that doesn't drink coffee (the other exception being herself).

I swear I had a little more to right, but I just got a mad head spin and completely blanked out. LOL Now I don't even know how I'm gonna end this post....

Yours always,


Wednesday, August 20, 2014 // 4:10 AM

Dearest Diary,

I am the daughter of a seamstress. The daughter of an Asian seamstress, in fact. Naturally, like any good Asian mum, she got me to help her out at the store as much as possible without jeopardizing my studies as I was growing up. I learnt how to measure rolls of fabric at lighting speeds and how to make a perfect cut with just a nip from a pair of good scissors. I also learnt the name of a lot of different types of fabric. That why I know that when people are describing things as silky, they aren't actually talking about the silk fibers spun from silk worm cocoons. They're talking about satin. Some satin is made of silk, but it's more often the case where silk is just a light delicate transparent cottoney thing. Like chiffon. That's the stuff we use to make heaps of Hijab's out of.

Speaking of Hijab's (awesome segue), a friend from Uni and I had a really cool talk the other day about them. Now, I know that there are a lot of variations of the hijab or garments which serve the same purpose, but they have differing names depending on where the customer is from or slight variations in their practice of the religion (or maybe it's a whole other religion all together, I'm no expert). But commonly, when customers came to my store and asked for 'hijab' they wanted the fabric a certain shape to make this one familiar wrap around their heads.

My friend is Pakistani and she wear a hijab, but it's not the one I would've commonly associated with the name. It's a different material and her wrapping isn't as tight. In the bus line, one of my other friends asked her what it was called, cos she wasn't sure if it was just a fashion statement or if it was for religious purposes. She told her that it was a hijab and I intervened, asking ignorantly if it was the 'traditional kind'.

She said that there was no such thing as a traditional hijab. Hijab means 'modesty' and its something you practice. Like, a person can be hijab. I thought that was really cool. That her religion doesn't just label certain garments like we do in western society like shoe or bra. It's sort of like you're wearing a way of life, like serenity and kindness like the stuff they talk about in Buddhism. I'm not too sure if that makes sense, haha.

It's sort of like Jesus and Catholicism. I was born Catholic, baptized, reconciled, confirmed and all. I mean now I'm not so sure. But I grew up that way and we were taught certain things like always be kind, grateful and basically don't be dicks to one another because we should love each other. I know there's been so much shit throughout the ages about Catholicism and the Church being a cult or weird nuns and mormen who don't have sex, but at the root of it, it's not bad. Like, ignoring things said in the Bible about beggars and the homosexual and just focusing on Jesus and trying to be a little selfless like he was, it's not a bad idea. And neither is Islam. If you forget about all the stuff you see in the media about some of their people who've kind of got it wrong, like the Church has gotten it wrong, it's kind of beautiful.

Practice modesty.

I like it.

Yours always,


Sunday, August 17, 2014 // 6:33 AM

Dearest Diary,

I really miss having a group of girlfriends. Back in high school, I guess I was part of a bunch of ladies who liked to cause mischief and couldn't stop bitching about people - especially each other. I always felt kind of left out when we hung out together, mainly because they were all really girly and I was just so ceebs. For the longest time I didn't understand why they got angry or annoyed at each other, even if someone had told me the story behind what happened or what they thought happened or whatevz. So I guess, I kind of avoided that as we neared the end.

Don't get me wrong, I have some amazing memories of hanging out and chilling with them - esp. eating, drinking, pranking the school n that. I still remember my 15th birthday, they had ignored me most of recess and lunch, but my the end, surprised me with all these gifts and food (pizza flavoured pasta, wow!) and hugs and kisses and honestly, I reckon it's the best birthday I've ever had LOL (mainly cos I cannot remember what my birthdays were like pre-10yo).

I do hang out with girls now, but were amalgamated into a group of homo and heterosexual males. I think because of that, we're predisposed to being a bit more masculine than most girls. And I can talk to them about girly things and share girly feelings, but it doesn't have the same effect as interacting with an entire group of girls who only hang out with each other for days on end. I still see select individuals from that group of girls now and again - we catch up, small talk, sometimes deep talks, but it's always the important things. I don't really get the chance to embrace myself in their little bouts of stupidity or dumb-blonde moments cos when we see each other, we try to make it special. It's not always a bad thing, I guess.

A lot has happened in my life in the past couple of months and when a bunch of the girls happened to show up at the same restaurant where my friends and I were grabbing dinner (for a special letter's birthday) I couldn't hold back. To have all of them there at once was a rare occasion. I spent the rest of the night talking and chilling with them and things felt like they did 4 years ago. A few of them knew that I was seeing someone earlier in the year and one or two knew that that was no longer the case. I know they gossip, so I knew that the rest of them already had that knowledge, but they prompted me to talk anyway.

Honestly, I was going through a fucking shit time in my life and no matter what my friends told me, it never really made me feel better. I put on a smile and pretended to be over it, but no matter how hard they tried, I still felt an dark pit expanding in my chest every time someone mentioned the topic. But to ease their worries, I smiled and told them I was over it. And I guess, I kind of was. But it was all cos of time and because I was tired of feeling shit (sorry guys, don't mean to be blunt but lol).

However, when I told them the story, I guess I wasn't holding back. I wasn't trying to make him not sound like the bad guy cos I thought he didn't do anything wrong. That ship had definitely sailed by then. The girls chose to hear the phrases that I guess, defined my dilemma.

"... he asked me to be his girlfriend."

"... he introduced me to his mum..."

"He said he wanted space."

That was met with inaudible yelling mixed with table bashing. They called him a pussy, basically defended my honour and I could not have felt any better. It was the first time I was able to truly laugh about the subject and they actually made me happy.

Now, I'm not sure if that's just how they would act, cos they're a pack of feral animals. But I think there was more behind it. Even though we don't hang out as a group anymore, they treated me as I was a part of them. They were loyal. Even if they may have disagreed with my position, they defended me anyway and I felt ... special, haha.

That doesn't really come up in my group. It's more rationalizations and "Damn..."'s. There was something about that irrational display of anger that just cheered me up. My guys are a bit reserved. There's nothing wrong with that, I love them, of course. But that raw display of affection and aggression which was surprising, and yet floated in an air of familiarity... well, that's what I miss.

I miss the girls, haha.

Yours always,


how do you like your eggs?
Monday, August 11, 2014 // 5:15 PM

Dearest Diary,

I stumbled across a rather interesting image last night. Here, let me show you!

I've decided to show my good friend, William, cos I think he can use this as inspiration for his writing. I know he's having a little trouble right now, and I know these categories really aren't within his style. But, hey, what's so wrong about expanding your horizons? If one small thing can come from answering these 18 or so questions from his character's pov, then I'd be really happy. 

And I'm totes keen to answer some of these too, so I'm gonna ask my friends to nominate question numbers and I'll get back to ya xD. 

You'res alwayz,


a new understanding
// 3:29 AM

Dearest Diary,

I completely fucked up the rotation on my pill tray. After the sugar pills (seated in the top row), you're supposed to jump down to the bottomest row and work your way back up, I'm sure y'all know that. But silly fucking me, just went to the second row ad now I've completely fucked this cycled cos, unlike the old pill where the ones throughout the month are the same, this is new and improved and contains different concentrations of certain drugs depending on the stages in the menstrual cycle. I've been taking 125 microlitres of levonorgestrel instead of 50 :'((((((. I hope I don't grow a beard or that my uterus doesn't prolapse.

Anyway, enough about my period. I've been having a tough time getting into the studying/revision routine. I mean, when I'm in it, I do it... but starting is really hard. Which is really strange for me cos I start everything :( without delay or hesitation :( (usually).

Recently, I've been really wishing that I had applied myself a bit more with music. I don't really wanna pursue it as a career or anything, or my desire to doesn't set my loins on fire, but I've been listening to a bunch of live John Mayer tracks and watching vids of kid from my HS who are applying themselves and recording youtube videos and auditioning for performances and stuff. It makes me miss it so. And the point is I don't even want to perform live or get thousands of views or anything, not that that wouldn't have been fun and all. But I kinda wished that I gained more skill back when I had to study it. It would make jamming in my room 30 mins a month a lot of fun. And I guess, I'd have more of an attention span when I did try to learn new songs cos maybe things would come to me more easily or I could understand things quicker.

I just wish that I had applied myself more so I can improv and rip out mad licks like the ones you hear in Neon and stuff LOL

I've made more Thai friends recently. All we talk about is food and preferences (spiciness and whether or not we like the sun) but it's great cos we cover a bunch of cool topics while we're chatting and I really wished that I was part Thai LOL. Thai food is honestly my favourite cuisine like, throw me anything from their culture and I will eat it! (I'd try fried insects if I was guaranteed that it was good and it was Thai LOL)

Anyway, that was my week. I'll keep you updated with how this one goes. Some [pots?] are boiling. Tension is building. Let's see if things explode this week or next.

Yours always,


old ways
Friday, August 8, 2014 // 3:16 PM

Dearest diary,

I'm back on the pill. The lining of my endometrium decided not to shed last month and my mum began to freak out. I said it was all g cos sometimes my irregularity does force me to skip a month, but she said 'just to be sure. It's not normal for girls not to have it'. And I was all ... alright mum. Seeing as I had a few rounds left from before anyway. And no, I'm not pregnant. Definitely ruled out that possibility by the fact that I'm not having sex.

Anyway, more soon. I've gotta finish my tea and head off to work. It's awfully foggy today.

Yours always,


Tuesday, August 5, 2014 // 4:19 AM

Dearest Diary,

I had my first Pathology lab today. It was just induction and was over in about 20 minutes, but Sean and I stayed back in the museum to look at specimens and they're pretty cool. It felt really weird starting uni at 2:30 today because for the longest time, I've had 9 am starts and I just didn't know what to do with myself in the morning. I went to the gym. I love dead lifts. I'm currently looking up workouts that centre around the deltoids because I still want mad Rebecca shoulders!

Anyway, while Sean and I were in the museum, we ran into a few familiar faces. One of the guys sad hi to me from afar, anticipating my approach. He was really eager and seemed really nervous. I... I kinda think he likes me... :$ I'm only saying that because he's usually normal when he speaks to people. He was stuttering a lot and kept trying to fill in his induced awkward silences with little giggles. I must sound conceited. LOL.

Speaking of, this is totally unrelated to that person above, but like, I've been getting that feeling with someone else I know. That they maybe would like to see if things can progress further and that it's no longer just innocent flirting. He's a really nice guy and he's friendly to everyone ... but the one off comments he's been blurting out when we're alone kinda makes me think that he does maybe wanna flirt for real. And I find that so flattering. And I could be completely wrong. But it's one of those cases where I wouldn't go there right now if he did like me, cos I know it's just not gonna work out if we did get together right now and everything would go to the shits. And I fear for our friendship. Cos I consider him a friend.

We don't see each other too often though, so maybe it'll all blow over or maybe it'll just be all in my head and things can seem normal to me again LOL.

This reminds me. I haven't liked someone like that in a while. Where you get little hints from them and you consider all the possibilities in your mind, trying to decide whether or not they really like you and you really like them. It was a feeling felt dearly in high school. LOL maybe it'll happen again soon :)

Yours Always,


it's august already
Monday, August 4, 2014 // 4:59 AM

Dearest Diary,

I'm ever so lazy, so this is going to come as dot points

  • it's the latter half of the year
  • I can think about and plan christmas!
  • easy as pie
  • wow I just had like, 5 thoughts come at me all at once
  • really enjoying this chill jazzy improv music
  • gotta remember to read lab manuals before attending the labs
  • still haven't caught up with the lectures I missed
  • still in that stage where I think it's the holidays
  • I reckon I can make this last 2 or 3 more days LOL
  • I wanna just laze around
  • but I gotta do work
  • but if I put it off just for this week, everything will still be manageable
  • but that means I shouldn't laze around
  • I should make the most of what little true free time I have left
  • but going out to far away places will tire me and I won't be able to uni tomorrow
  • so I should just do my work....
  • That was literally my thought train the entire day today LOL
  • I was gonna blog something profound for y'all (hey bobs)
  • but this song is just making me so happy LOL
  • Check it
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VciKolOtCyc