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stay gold forever

being here with you

we were meant to fly

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Sunday, May 25, 2014 // 4:09 PM

Once, at a work party, my work mate started leaning on me and when I looked at her with a "why?" expression in my face, she told me that she wanted everyone to think we were lesbians. This really irked me. It was so fucking rude how she thought he could just use me to make some sort of a statement or to make her look different or cool to the people around us. I was annoyed. This built up over the next few days until she noticed there was something wrong and started to be more playful with me to try and idk, cheer me up? She started sticking stickers all along my arm and after telling her sternly to stop and having her continue placing stickers on my shirt and what not now, I lost it. I pushed her. Jake saw. The situation was made so awkward. I've never really lashed out at anyone physically before. Sure, in my head about a million times, but not like this.

And I guess it was just a build up of how I felt towards her. She spent so much of her life trying to define herself, she'd be so temperamental and because I was there to witness the whole thing, over and over again with different people, I mean she has Daddy issues, but loves her dad ... today but just will not tomorrow. She wanted to become a human rights activist but couldn't really do much else but complain from her room... and just this one time, we were sharing a pavlova on the library lawn and she left the rubbish there. I usually don't care about that shit, but later that day she gave Andrew shit for leaving a wrapper on the train. Like I know this shit sounds so trivial but it wasn't all there was to it.

I was just getting over it. Getting over her.

So when we weren't called into work anymore, I just didn't care to hang out with her anymore. I didn't actively avoid her, but I really didn't go out wanting to chill either. She became I guess, best friends with someone who I called my best friend for so long and she got her shit together. When we started hanging out more and more I felt that she finally knew who she was. Albeit, she was a completely different person, I liked her a lot more.

Now I know this may sound so fucking rude, and may come across as though she had to please me lol, but it's how I felt at the time. All this is behind us now. We've got bigger problems to focus on. She's trying to change in terms of her laziness and she is becoming more active and I admire that.

It doesn't need to be said that Maria is wild, funny and just downright retarded. Which are the reasons why I kinda like her ... a little... (loljk) now. My group, we're not the best people. We have conversations where we'd talk about the negatives about the people in our lives and we'd get off on that. But we also talk about the good things and the one thing I kept saying was that she knows how to carry a conversation and a day out with her or even a short interaction is never dull.

She's an active listener and will always give advice, whether you need it or not lol. I'm glad she's in my life. It sure would be really dull if she weren't.

P.S. I don't think you like Airbag as much as you say you do. I think the songs are mixed up LOL

Saturday, May 24, 2014 // 3:30 AM

I really wasn't when I first met her. In fact, I was quite a big bitch because Cat and the other girls were, (essentially, let's not sugar coat it now guys its been 7 years) jealous of her because she'd come from Sydney Girls. I was never more unconsciously peer pressured in my life and I don't think I've ever said, I'm sorry for doing those things to you and treating you so disrespectfully, Cynthia.

We actually have more in common than we know. I've come to that realisation so many times over the years, but I never really took our friendship any further. We sat next to each other in year 9 science.

I reckon if working hard and studying wasn't drilled so hard into her at such a young age, we could've fucked a lot of shit up together. We are almost starting to do that now lol. She's always down to chill and will do just about anything ;) but within reason, and I admire that, how she doesn't readily give in to peer pressure.

We hung out a fair bit in the summer holidays. It started because she kept complaining of boredom on her blog, so I asked her to come to Wet n Wild once. It was there that I learnt that she was hanging out with this one guy I had a tiny crush on (lol) so I basically used her to hang out with me. She figured it out. Oh, I forgot that she's very intelligent LOL I'm a terrible person, I know. But since that passed, we've still hung out now and again and it's still v fun.

But this one day I found out that she knew stuff about me. It's not bad stuff like gossip and what not, LOL I don't have too many secrets, but she kind of understood the way I worked and could see me in a way that I didn't even see myself (consciously)

And that scared me. I kept thinking about what she said more and more and it almost drove me insane and it may have even driven the people closest to me away. But it's not her fault. I was avoiding her a little cos I was afraid. lol. I guess I'm grateful, though. I do honestly believe that my life would be worse if I continued to be so ignorant.

Thank you, Cynthia.

Shut Fucker
Sunday, May 18, 2014 // 3:09 AM

When we were in year 11, someone said some stuff that, unintentionally, made me feel worthless. I got me to question our relationship and I just felt so neglected. It wasn't their fault. They were also in a bad place. I shouldn't have taken it to heart. But it upset me.

I didn't know what to do, so I turned to another friend. I asked him if I could talk to him and we hung out the entire lunch time on one of the benches in the forest.

It was the first time I ever cried at school. And Collin was really nice about it. We weren't too close in terms of secret sharing and what not, but I always considered him to be a good friend since we started that board game thing in year 10 with Eeh and Huynh. Conversations are never dull with him and he always listens when I need to be heard.

Over the years, we've been close and we've been distant. But we're at a point now where I can happily and oddly enough, proudly, call him my best friend.

He's got a party animal exterior but has got a really mushy heart. Often, he comes off as cold and blunt and rude and yes, he is all of that. But if he loves you, he really loves you with all his heart. Everyone he meets, he can carry a conversation with. Oddly enough, he comes off at interesting (loljk). Idk, I've never met someone who is as friendly as he is when he first meets you.

We share the same sort of humour and can have conversations consisting of random noises lasting and entertaining us all night.

I don't mean to put him on a pedestal. He's the most restless person I know and it's so fucking hard to please him, but when you do, and you see the happiness in his face, it really makes all the effort worth while. I've also never met anyone who can leave and forget about something/someone as quick as Collin can. It gets on my nerves, when I'm trying to deal with something and he ridicules me for still being hung up on it. IT HAD ONLY BEEN 5 DAYS GOSH. LOL.

Anyway, he does have his own predetermined ideas and perceptions and what have you, but if you explain where you're coming from he'll understand. He can be understanding. LOL

He's not passionate about much, but when he is, he is the most motivated person I know ... for about 5 minutes. It's really hard for him to stick to one task and get it done in one go lol And I know life hasn't been the best for him this year. We've had our ups and downs but uhhhhhhhhhhhh we're all at that stage. We all have those things that are weighing us down, and we all want an escape. I think what it is for him is the fact that he's lonely. And it's not the kind of loneliness that I can relieve. And I've got to admit, after what's happened to me in the last two months, I crave what he does. He won't ever admit it. Neither will I. I think we're bred the same.

We're active. We would rather go out and find a temporary relief for this problem than address it properly and find a long term solution. But, we're still learning


I'm not sure if we've molded our personalities to suit the other as we've grown or if we were always just two peas in a pod. But whatever the reason, I'm grateful for his existence.

I love you.

Friday, May 16, 2014 // 3:00 PM

Biggest head throbbing. I didn't even drink that much. Why did I forget to drink water before I slept. Oh right, I was still off my head when I was showering... A bit of shower water did get in though... LOL Friends want to do it again tonight. I have work in 30 minutes. I hope I can make it through the day.

Childhood II
Tuesday, May 13, 2014 // 3:38 AM

When I was about 6 or so, I was home alone with my sister (who had run off somewhere) and I was just chilling with my neighbours. At one point, their parents had called them in to eat lunch or something similar and I wandered off into my house and decided to cut myself a cheek of mango. Now, I the previous night and every other night of summer for as long as I could remember, Mum cut mangoes with the big sharp knife, so I took that out of the drawer and placed it carefully on top of the mango (minding my fingers like they did in play school) I made an incision and my fingers were in the clear! I kept slicing until a sharp pain sprang from my thumb and I saw droplets of blood on the bench. Totally forgot about my thumb. I ran upstairs and got a band aid from one of the cupboards. Put it on. It was great. A story to tell my friends.

I'm unsure why, but Mum came home about 5-10 minutes later, which is very early for her and freaked out when she saw the blood without me telling her first. She undid my band aid and washed all the mango juice away and wrapped me up again.

My sister copped a big yelling for not cutting the mango for me. But from then on, (for about a year lol) she'd cut all fruit and prepare all the food for us so all we had to do was microwave it and eat it.

When I was 9, my Dad bought me a bike. It was green/teal. The exact same as Molikha's. I copped shit form them for copying her. lol. I rode that bike to he library so I could sit and read and do my homework with Krystal until she left and I also rode it to my Aunty's house on the opposite side of town. Her grandson Ryan, (my nephew but really first cousin once removed) was looked after there and I loved playing with him. Now she lived on the other side of the big road. And the big road (on my side of the block) didn't have a pedestrian crossing light, so sometimes I'd ride down the block a little and cross away from the intersection.

This one day, I had waited at 'down the block a little' for 5 minutes without an opening. So when the next one came, small as it was, I jumped onto my bike and rode across, struggling to aim forward and trying so hard to break initial velocity of 0. Not sure why I didn't just run LOL. Anyway, when I passed the middle of the road, I saw cars coming at me way too fast and I didn't want to go straight ahead to the curb (the shortest distance) No. Instead, I decided to ride along the road, WITH traffic only to have 3 or 4 cars honk behind me because they had to break so abruptly.

My heart was pounding. It was the closest I've come to death at that point.

I always crossed to the adjacent block so I could use the pedestrian crossing from then on LOL

Anyway, guess what I'm trying to say here is, I've always been left to do my own thing. I mean, people were there to watch over me but I kind of wandered off and did my own thing. They didn't really mind.

I started cooking for myself when I was 7 and by the time that had happened, I taught myself how to cross the road (you can imagine how amazed mum was when she found out a year later)

In high school, when I wasn't too familiar with the concept of 'going out' (with the exception of that one 2 week break in year 8 Cat and I saw each other every day) I'd stay in and clean my house. Vacuum the floor, mop the stairs, I'd even walk out to Cabra and ask mum for 20$ so I could buy some ingredients for the pasta I made weekly. My sister was never home cos she had her HSC and both my parents were busy and by this time, Sendy and Molica had moved away and I had no one my age to play with.

I'd rearrange my sisters bookshelf by height of book and that's where I read my first Cosmo magazine. I was intrigued and quite scared for that matter. Cosmo taught me about the birds and the bees and what to do if 'down there' suddenly became itchy. And when I ran out of magazines to read, I'd read the classics Carol had on her bookshelf. I'd finished Atonement (not a classic) in a day, although I had no idea what was going on lol.

I guess everything I am now was developed in the time I spent alone. Hope this explains my the origins of my qualities to y'all LOL I wish I could, again, find the peace I had in just being with myself.

Now I'm dependent. Boo.

Why are y'all the way you're?

Sunday, May 11, 2014 // 10:20 PM

life (again)
// 4:08 PM

So I fucked up the one post a day thing LOL

To be fair, I did have a post for Friday. Wrote it in the library, on my phone and everything. But my temperamental  bitch ass cellur data didn't upload it like it said it did on my phone so that is me excuse LOL

My brain is torn. After the UTS party (first uni party, had no idea it was one. thought it was just New World Sound's gig LOL) all I want to do is party and live in the now and not give a shit about so many things. But Yesterday, I actually sat myself down and studied for my exam on Friday and I also found satisfaction in that.

Why do I always tempt myself by going out when I should be doing work? :(

I told a hand full of people that I wanted to quit what I was doing. They all told me not to. And I'm glad (kudos if you're one of them) I realised last night that I only wanted to because I knew nothing about the upcoming exam. That's because I hadn't revised, or even attended the lectures for that matter. I expected myself to know everything because that'd what life used to be like for me. I went to lectures and I just remembered what they said and I could do okay with minimal revision.

I feel so naive for expecting myself to still be okay despite not going to the lectures. I've slacked off enough this semester. It's time to actually put in the effort if I want to achieve my goal. On top of that, they stuff I'm learning is actually interesting, despite what I've been telling everyone the last two weeks. LOL

So now it'll be study study study, until I've had enough LOL

Then I'll slack off again (but hopefully that will come after exams haha)

Have a great week! :)

Childhood part I
Thursday, May 8, 2014 // 5:23 AM

An individual's past experiences shape their belonging in society today. This is true of "My Childhood" by Jessica Phan.....

LOL I kind of miss belonging essays

When I was 5, my neighbour bought a bag of water bomb balloons from the corner shop and shared them around with everyone - but me. "50 cents!" he demanded and I ran into my house rummaging through the container of church coins looking for a piece. My mum asked what I was doing and I told her he asked for money in exchange for a balloon. She stormed outside and told him never to ask me for money again and proceeded to lecture me when she came back in. 

I was such a naive child. I believed all the lies my sister and her friends told me and I would listen to just about anyone. This probably explains why I lie so much now, lol, cos I was surrounded by it growing up. 

I was actually picked on and quite often lonely as a child, but I guess I was always determined. I was never in with the 'cool' girls, not really. Not until year 5 or 6, where I actually started talking to Catrina and what not. I still wasn't a close friend to them but we sat together at lunch. I became best friends with Ms. X and Ms. Y and we decided Cat's reign should be stopped.

I guess it was because of Ms. X that I became someone who is no longer willing to be trampled on and brushed aside. Now, Ms. X wasn't the squarest of the kids, she was far from it. She introduced me to a whole new world, full of drugs and alcohol over the years and it all started when we were 11. Hiding in her jacket was a warm bottle of Bacardi's Breezer and we shared the thing, the two of us, in the bathroom just behind the Church. My face was all red and I was telling everyone that I was just hot, but Cat told me she could smell it. We were still so dumb and naive, we just left the bottle in the very open and exposed bin lol. That was the first time I had really ever had alcohol by my own desire and I guess the girls started seeing Ms. X and me in a different way. A few weeks later, we did it again but this time with a Cruiser and it was in the bathroom beside the year 1 and 2 classes. 

I guess it was because of her that when I entered high school, I wasn't that awkward loner kid who was waiting around for that one friend. I had experience under my belt and stories to tell. I was a bad ass (in my mind lol) 

About 4 years later, on Boxing Day, Ms. X hooked me and a few of the girls up with something nice and organic. It was my first time and we had a bucket load of cherries and Ms. X and I cracked up for 7 straight minutes at a noise one of the girls had made. I was free. 

When Ecky and I had sex up the butt, Ms. X wasn't there. I was at a day festival event which was run by the owners of a night club. Everything was slow and shiny and I was in a state of euphoria. 

Lol, this is no longer about childhood.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014 // 5:01 AM

This song makes me so happy

Tuesday, May 6, 2014 // 1:54 AM

CLEARLY, I have not been having a very good few days LOL I do apologise if my posts were getting too angsty and unbearable. 

Anyway, I was at the Doctors today (nothing major) and I realised that it's so easy to take advantage of him LOL well not just him, but family doctors over all. Or maybe just the ones in Cabramatta. I basically asked him to write me a cert. so I didn't lose marks for missing my labs and he was like "Alright for what day?" and "what do you want your reason to be?" like LOL I could've made him write whatever I wanted but I decided to stay true to the ... truth. Food poisoning for today TY! LOL

I spent the arvo with bobs. He's great. I'd like to once again thank you for listening baby gurl. I appreciate you

Much love,


Walk the line
Monday, May 5, 2014 // 1:07 AM

When I was 17, my music teacher told me I could be whoever I wanted to be. She told me to dream big and to refuse to bow down to social conventions and expectations and just pursue my dreams, be it music, acting whatever. I find that so many of my friends now have that mind set, and that okay. There's nothing wrong with living your dream. But how do you know that that is your dream? I mean, by 17, I was only exposed to so many things and I'd say almost all of them made me happy and intrigued me on some level. But just because I could play the guitar a little, What? Am I supposed to run off and become a rock star? Now, I'm not saying that they're wrong. And I am in no way condoning the typical path so many of us are subjected to, nor do I mean to deter people from it. I get that you're supposed to follow your dreams. But at 17, how am I supposed to know what my dream is? I know she had good intentions, and she wasn't the only one who got me and my friends thinking this way. But can you really trust a 17 year old to make a decision that will shape their whole life?

I mean, why aren't we told to travel?

Why isn't the next socially accepted step to go out and figure out who you are?

It would sure make life a lot easier, so that every time I second guess my decisions, I won't feel this disgusting.

Saturday, May 3, 2014 // 11:07 PM

Dear You,

We were never close. We share barely a fleeting memory of my childhood. But you are a part of me. We're connected in ways I can barely start to understand, but the connection is there. You are a part of me. For the longest time I found it so difficult to understand this feeling - this apathy which creates my ambivalence and ultimately makes me feel so, so guilty. You meant so much to all the people I care about, and yet, I couldn't bring myself to care. Not really, anyway. I could say that I miss you and my life will change now that this tragic event has befallen upon us, but those words are untrue. I'm making myself seem like a monster, but I didn't know you, really. But that's not to say I will stop thinking about you. In fact, you'll be a prevailing thought now, more than you ever have been to me. And I hope that it's enough that you live forever in my memory, remembered only by the bits and pieces I can gather from my childhood, and that one month in my angsty teenage years. I want to apologise for not being present when I was there. I want to apologise for not giving you a second thought until you were gone. But I know we did share something, that final day that I was there to see you. I hope you remembered me that way.

I love you

I have to

and I want to.

// 4:25 PM

I do apologise for my lack of posting yesterday. Looks like I couldn't even make it three consecutive days without putting something up LOL. In all fairness, I was sick. I was at work ad I hate something that made my vom twice there -once in the sink used by all the staff with my manager watching lol- so they sent me home early. I threw up on the side of the road, which is always pleasant and I spent the rest of the night sleeping and hovering over my toilet. Ain't life grand?

Anyway, this is what I would've posted had I written it at the time. See, I had this post planned. I had some sort of intention on uploading something last night LOL Y'all will get another one later in the day I guess.


As you may have gathered from my earlier post, my babe's and I are going to see Chet Faker at the end of June!! Wooh!

And about a month after that, Eeh, Maria, Bobby and I are going to drive up to Byron Bay and go to the first day of Splendour on the Grass!! Wooh!!

I'm so excited to see acts like Childish Gambino and Angus and Julia Stone!!

I haven't been to this many musical shows since year 8, really brings me back. I can smell the concert grass and that same feel I get when I'm at a festival is beginning to diffuse through my bod.

I am so excited

I am so excited!

Uni lyfe
Thursday, May 1, 2014 // 5:26 PM

So I am currently sitting in the commerce courtyard blogging while my mate Sean eat his tasty looking stir fried noodles. I would usually eat with him but I forgot to pack my lunch. And usually if I don't eat, I'd read and guess what? Left that at home.

It's fucking freezing and Sean's eating outside. He wanted to 'find nirvana' and apparently it was found in his food.

This was our conversation :

S: do you have money?
J: yeah why
S: ... :D
J: do you want cookies?

Lol 30 seconds later

S: what's the difference between a thong and a sandal?
J: one thong?
(Which is still a thong Sean, gosh)

Now I'm in the hub with Andrew. I haven't seen him in a while.

Maybe I'll update when I get home.

// 12:17 AM

Life's become a little messed up, a little uncertain and I guess I want to try and restore some stability. Snoopy (hi) and I were at Kurnell today discussing the various goals we could try and achieve in an attempt to bring back some certainty in my life. Also, for a bit for fun.

We came up with a shit load of different one-off things we could do, these only required getting everyone together at an appropriate time and date, and others were things that we had to do every day for a month. So we decided to couple these, one one-off and one monthly routine for the next few months.

Hopefully life will be more fun and healthy and just ... better LOL (not that it's bad now, it's just not at it's optimum)

Here are the ones we came up with, if you can suggest any, I'd be more than happy to consider them! Just remember, these are supposed to be good things LOL, let's see how long we last.

  • Blog every day every day for a month
  • Take a photo with someone every day for a month
  • Catch a fish
  • Blog more about thoughts and feelings
  • Tone up body at the gym - obviously, this one is continuous
  • Blog and keep track of gym progress and experiences
  • Fine dining
  • Try different cuisines (10 in a month?)
  • Eat healthy and blog about one healthy meal per day (pix or didn't happen)
  • Cook difficult recipes i.e. croquembouche 
  • No McDonald's for one month
  • No fast food (chain stores) for one month
  • Spend less than $200 in one month
  • Do a good deed 
  • Visit 10 beaches in one month
  • Write a letter (on blog) to someone every week for one month
  • Fish markets
  • This ones for snoopy - No coke for one week, then slowly build it up to two weeks and finally, one month LOL
  • She suggested no sex, but I'm not going to participate in that one

So now, we begin. One blog post per day for an entire month! More for y'all to read (Em, Cynthia, Hi!) 

As for the one-off, I'm still deciding what it's going to be. Any thoughts? I'll get back to you guys tomorrow about it

In the mean time, have some photos!

 These came!!!!! WOOOOOH!!!!
 Some place in Little Bay


 Also tiny
 Tiny, but zoomed
This almost collasped (yes, cos I'm fat. lol jk)

We heard lots of shots