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stay gold forever

being here with you

we were meant to fly

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and i got you
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life v. 57.0
Thursday, October 27, 2016 // 10:41 PM

I watched a video recently. It wasn't a particularly special video, not to me anyway. You see a lot of videos like this circulating nowadays, along with similar feature articles talking about travelling the world and finding yourself and realising your life is small, but your potential is so large.

However, one thing really stood out when I watched it. See, you always hear people talk about going off the beaten path and still finding their way to their destination, but it seemed so trivial. You can tell anyone to not do something because it's typical but when that person asks, "if I don't do it the normal way, how will I do it?" no one has an answer. Which is the whole point of that argument I guess, but from my own experience, that line doesn't cause much else besides confusion and a loss in the sense of little direction that I once had.

But this video had an explanation. Still an arbitrary one, but an explanation nonetheless. It gives you direction, in the form of faith.

It included a quote from Steve Jobs who said:

"You cant connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even if it leads you off the well worn path and that will make all the difference"

If you look back at everything in your life now and compare it to what you thought it would be when you were younger, can you say that you achieved the goals and overcame the hurdles that you thought were impossible to tackle?

When I was in 16, I told Collin that I didn't think I'd do well in the HSC, that going to my dream uni and finishing an entire degree seemed impossible. Those exams and uni itself was the goal at the time and it honestly seemed unattainable to me. But here I am, one HSC mark down and I've completed an entire bachelors degree. So to 16 year old Jess, you were confused and beaten, but you made it. You didn't know how you were going to do it, but you did. And in hindsight, I can tell you that it wasn't as hard as you were imagining. I guess your fears came down to the fact that everything was so new and you couldn't foresee something that you've never experienced before.

What I'm trying to say is, looking back now I can see every step that got me to this very spot today. I can visualise taking my HSC exams, walking around a university campus for the first time, cramming til the early morning at uni all the while making life long friends. I can connect the dots for this outcome. Traditional path or not, I did it. So now, after listening to what Steve Jobs said, I am confident that despite my fears of the future, I will get to where I need to be. And when I'm 30, I'll look back and think, "why was I so scared at 21? I made it"


Anyway, that was just something that was on my mind today. Big things are happening. I mean, I'm finally seeing Sticky Fingers in concert tonight!!!!! Ahhh!!! As a Johnnie, but still :)

But in all seriousness, I know a lot of you are going through exams and theses' and prac right now. So I just wanna say that I know how scary and stressful it can be, but just remember that if you believe in something (yourself), and you give it your all, you will end up on the other side thinking "hey, I did it"

5 year plan
Tuesday, October 18, 2016 // 4:13 AM

So I grabbed lunch with Collin, Ems and Huynh yesterday. We were catching up and talking about our troubles when Ems tells us about her Uncles 5 year plan. Rather, how he believes everyone should have their own 5 years plan, coming out of high school, uni etc.

We all agreed that plans should be malleable because what you want is dependent upon your experiences and opportunities. But in a general sense, we all thought that coming out of high school our plan was to go to uni and graduate uni and work LOL it’s so mundane.

But it did get me thinking, what is my 5 year plan starting now, after leaving uni. I know that over half these things are gonna change but if everything did play out the way I wanted them to I think it’d go something like this:

I turned 21 this year so I guess it’d be easiest to tackle this by years

  • ·         Dance on my birthday to ‘22’ by Taylor Swift
  •       I’ll be in a masters of Nursing, back in a routine life, working at Iconic one or twice a week if my timetable permits
  • ·         I’ll have hospital placement and learn a good bedside manner
  • ·         I would’ve finished at least 1 short internship at a research company like Garvan or Victor Chang
  • ·         I would’ve gone on at least 1 holiday (the top contenders are Philippines,  Thailand, US or Iceland)
  • ·         I plan to smash the gamsat and get an interview somewhere (ideally Deakin cos they have placement in the outback and potential for you to study overseas)
  • ·         Once getting in, I’d like to go on a holiday to Africa or South America (These are the continents I have yet to visit and I’d like to visit 5 continents before I’m 25 [other than Australia cos I live here lol]

  • ·         I’ll start med school
  • ·         I’ll find a good science job, in research or in a hospital

24 & 25
  • ·         Continuing on with Med school
  • ·         I would have visited the last continent on my list
  • ·         I will move out of home to be closer to uni/hospital and I’ll have friends over for pre drinks every other weekend because we’re still gonna be party animals lol
  • ·         While this is happening I plan on being in a mature committed relationship (hopefully lol) where I can see myself with this person in the future and build something with them
  • ·         I’m gonna work with mum and the company and invest in a property somewhere (ideally by the coast so I can use it from time to time haha)

  • ·         I’ll finish med school
  • ·         I’ll go on a big round the world trip with the little money I have, haha
  • ·         I’ll have my second graduation and I will cry cos I finally made it lol
  • ·         Hopefully I’m still in a good place with my partner (I’d like to marry and have kids before 30 but we’ll see how hectic the schedule is haha)
  • ·         And I’ll be happy because I got what I wanted

If I look at it like that, the future doesn't seem so scary. 

Sometimes I forget that I'm only 21 and that there is still so much of my life ahead of me. Like I said at the beginning, I wouldn't be surprised if half of these plans change and grow as I change and grow. But looking at this rough scaffold of my future really puts things into perspective. Also, it pretty much lists what I've gotta do to fulfil present me's happiness hehe. I love lists. 

Sometimes I'm unbelievably overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to do and it makes me anxious and stressed. Especially this year because I had no idea what I'm going to do with my future. But writing it down and explaining it in logical steps makes everything seem a little less intimidating. Like it's actually doable. I've expressed how defeated I've felt the last few weeks, but now I think things are finally looking up. (or maybe they were never that crappy to begin with I was just being dramatic haha) 

Whatever the case, I think I see a lot of good things coming. Not just in terms of my goals, but in life. 

Things are changing and everyone around me, including myself, is growing into more responsible and mature adults, evening if they don't see it. Like Maria said in her blog post, she definitely feels 21. I don't think any one of my friends are as naive or innocent or immature as they were when we were 17 or 18. We're all growing and seeing it makes me so happy :) 

What are your 5 year plans?

good fit
Wednesday, October 5, 2016 // 3:58 AM

So I've been MIA

But to be fair its cos I feel like since Europe, nothing has really happened in my life that's really worth reporting, so whenever I think about blogging I brush the idea aside. 

But I guess a lot has happened. 

I got another manual handling job that pays so much better than Iconic, but I don't think I'll be staying. 

I went to the beach with the group on Labor Day and it was a really nice day, just a few clouds, clear emerald water and great company. 

This is hard, haha. Since coming back, it really feels like nothing is worth talking about anymore. Which is so bad, cos I have had some excellent times since. 

But tbh, this last month hasn't been the easiest. I guess the accumulation of little things has slowly and steadily been weighing me down but like, I don't notice it cos it happened so gradually. It wasn't until this past week that I felt like something wasn't right. 

I'm finding it so hard to adapt to post uni life - beyond the post uni celebratory travels and the countless parties and stuff. Like assimilating into the new world is so tough. I'm just a single person with my own personal goal, but all of a sudden I have to start worrying about what others think about me - if I'm getting anywhere with my life, if an employer, a proper employer in my field, will find me hire able, if I'm making the right life choices

I've lost a lot of self confidence

I've been rejected more times than I can count on one hand

I can't tell the difference between my friends and my enemies

and it scares me

For a while I thought I knew everything, but I told myself I was delusional. So then I settled for knowing enough - just enough, to get me by in almost every regard in my life. But I've never been so unsure of everything. Sometimes it feels like nothing makes sense 

But I just brush it aside. I drag it along next to me, everyday without acknowledging its presence 

I can't wait to go back to uni, lol

Anyway, that was more dramatic than I thought it'd be

Summers coming, I can smell it :) 

I can't wait for longer days and more fun in the sun :) wooh! Summer :D