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stay gold forever

being here with you

we were meant to fly

you got me
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and i got you
this layout was hand coded by twelfthnight ( else ) with inspiration from Gold Forever by The Wanted. Gold from colourlovers

Thursday, October 30, 2014 // 2:12 PM

Sometimes, on those really long train rides that I find myself on, I being to really think.

I like to evaluate my life and everyone in it, and everyone absent. 

I start to wonder about all the people I once called my best friends and I try to guess what they're doing right then. But I can never really come up with a satisfying answer for myself. I just don't know.

These thoughts are sometimes quite scary. They bring about emotions that I never thought I'd feel towards that person again. It can make me super happy or super lonely.

Then I being to wonder if my friends, right now, understand or know or ever even have a fleeting thought that I could be lonely. That despite having them around, I miss the people who were so present in my life years and years ago. 

Do they just see me as the happy-go-lucky science chick who is too in over her head about getting into medicine?

Do they still see the musician I once was? 

Am I still the stubborn, ignorant girl I was last year? 

I don't really know how my friends perceive me, and that thought should be worrying, but I really don't think the way I perceive my friends is an accurate summation of who they are and where they are in life at the moment.

It's not that I don't know anything about them, I just don't think they ever give me the full story. 

Just as I never really give the full story. 

If you asked me to describe my friends, how they are as people and how their lives are going I'd never mention the opposing thoughts that are tearing Collin in two. Or the anguish Maria is feeling about finishing her stack of assignments and her upcoming move. Or even the fear that must be swallowing Bobs whole about AFTRS. 

It's not that I don't know what's going on. We tell each other almost everything. I just don't know how they feel, and it's not their fault. It's the fact that maybe we're all a little ignorant about each others situation and we all stick to our roles.

My friends have certain roles they play in the group and separate roles they must take on during individual confrontation. That's who they are to me. The clown, the sassy drama queen, the protective presence ...

Despite what they're going through, they're still who I need them to be

But I'll always wonder how they see me

And I'll always wonder if I'd be happy with their representation of me

I just hope that I'm doing enough to be who they need me to be.

Monday, October 27, 2014 // 2:48 AM

I've confused myself.

Is this the study period for finals?

Or has the summer finally come?

I cannot wait for that period to really come.

So I don't have to stress and break out.

It'll be here soon.

3 weeks.

It's all over in 3 weeks.

Thinking out loud
Friday, October 17, 2014 // 1:18 AM

I've been filled in about a new hole that we can visit in the summer holidays.

I got too excited and found several other holes in Sydney.

Sydney has a lot of holes.

The whore.

LOL I kid.

Going to watch Wicked tmr.

Super keen!!

Gonna try so hard to not compare it to the previous musical.

I bet I'm gonna be super annoying and sing all the songs LOL Boy are Drew and Maria gonna have a blast :D:D

I love Ed Sheeran's new album omgad

Not really caring much for Tay's new song, tho

Fucked up my phys mid session exam, but I already knew that

Managed to do work today, very pleased with myself

I feel like an adult now that I'm going to an accountant

I wonder if doing a gen ed course in accounting will help in doing my own taxes

I see fire

Went to an ab and core work out session yesterday. My body is obliterated.

Why won't Patsie reply to me? :'(

Cannot wait for summer!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014 // 2:15 AM

I think I've got about a good week before I need to clip my toe nails.

Anyway, I officially enrolled into my third year courses today! After much frustration, non-metaphorical breath holding and the emergence of my laptop in the lab, I finally got through the right server and could enrol.

Today, I held my breath for 2 minutes and 6 seconds and got 2 boxes of smarties for it. (Yes, I am very proud of myself)

I went through an existential crisis about 3 weeks ago when the UMAT results came out. I really didn't know what I'd do with myself once I finished B MedSci and didn't get into med. I know, I know, I keep telling myself and everyone else that I'd keep trying. You know, GAMSAT will be around forever :), but I never really thought about what I'd actually be doing in the year I had off, besides sit the GAMSAT and twiddle my thumbs waiting for the results.

Contrary to first year Jess' outlook on life, I would totally do honours. And I'd do it for several reasons, but the main one is that that's been the next step for everyone who had gotten into medical school prior to the introduction of Undergraduate Medicine in Australia.

Complete a Bachelor degree, obtain honours/PhD and then, get into med school. It may seem out-dated, but it's how they still do it in the States. It's definitely an option still in Aus, but the idea of undergrad med, being done and jumping into clinical placement after 5/6 years just seemed to appealing. But obviously, in retrospect, this is will yield the best outcome. It may take longer, but I just learn more and I actually acquire the necessary skills to make it in the real world. (Not that you don't in undergrad) It's, like I said, just better. Better for me anyway LOL

I was actually tossing up between working Dymocks full time for an entire year (no!!!) and joining a pathology clinic like Douglass or the ARCBS. But I'm pretty sure I'm gonna head into honours. I hope I get to do something I really enjoy :)

Anyway, I've been mega procrastinating with my work, so I gonna quickly pop off to the gym and then come back and catch up on the 20 odd lectures I've missed.

lo siento, carino. Sobre la escritura tirete antes.

I swear, I'm done :)

the last time
Saturday, October 11, 2014 // 11:52 PM


I like to bury my feelings. Lately I've been feeling things that I don't usually feel because circumstances like these don't come around too often. I feel... naked. Like he can see me. I'm scared. No one ever sees me. Not really. Thing that scares me most is that I'm not sure if I can see him. I get these ideas and maybe that's all there is to him. But what if there's more and I just don't know it. I don't want that to happen. I don't wanna be the one who has to wear their heart of their sleeve. It's not that I won't do it. I just want it to be a two way street. I want that security. To know that he's also in 110% before I dive in. I've always lived like that. Testing the waters, running away if it's cold or nonreciprocating, but I kinda think I didn't really give them a chance, all the others. I mean if what you get is what you got, you have to change to get something different right? I hate this. I hate being the insecure, obsessing girl. It's not who I planned to grow up to be. But maybe this time I'll jump in, all at once. But I probably won't. Some people have been telling me that this will all be lifted once I just admit what I'm feeling. But I really don't see how it can. It's probably because I am stubborn, but really. What can he say? I'm just as invested? Like, yeah that'd be nice but I'm still gonna feel this way despite that, I know it. It's me. I just need to get used to this. I need to be okay with this feeling and I need to be okay with giving it my all. I need to be okay with being naked. Scary as it is, I think I will be okay. It's worth it.


You're an escape. You are an escape from everything that's even remotely important in my life - my friends, family, work, uni, my thoughts even. That's why I get so uneasy. I feel so strange when you're there and my friend's are there. Or when we're together and I see you working and it's just so different. I think that's all I wanted this to be. I wanted to see you in the dark hours of the night so we could be alone, so we could be what we don't have to be for other people - hard working, funny, tolerant, all that stuff. I just wanted to be me with you but it's different when you're there with my friends. We hold back. I have to be who I have to be for them and I can't be who I want to be with you. I don't like it. Maybe I need time to get used to it. To get used to all of you.


All I wanted to do was talk. That's why I kept calling. That's why I kept hassling you to see me. I wanted to talk and to tell you that I was in a bad place and that I couldn't deal with your temperamental attitude and that I just needed you to be consistent. I guess in my head at the time, it would work out in the best case scenario. That you'd comfort me and tell me that you were there for me and that I wasn't going insane. But instead, you blew me off and I had no idea why. I mean, you gave me an explanation but I just don't see how it fits. Something changed. I'm not sure what, it could've been a number of things but I just know you weren't the same the very last time we saw each other. And I guess, because it all happened so quickly, (even Carol said it escalated quickly) I've been lying to myself. I allowed myself to get lost in the memories of you and for those few moments, it felt as though nothing had changed. I was happy. But it's starting to dawn on me. I can't think of you that way anymore. I can remember you like that but I don't think I should be giving you much thought. It's just hard because one moment, everything was good, great even and then you go and say what you did and even though I wasn't bummed at the time and had even expected it, I do miss you and all the things we used to do together. I've been putting on a brave face in front of my friends, one that I even got my own self to believe. But whenever they bring up the fact that now, I'm free... it hits me. Every single time. I don't want to be free. I don't want to help the other girls hook up with guys at clubs and I don't want to go out seeking the perfect bachelor just because I can. I don't want to.

Stay High

It's gotten better. I don't think about you as often, or when I do it's the good memories that can be cherished, the ones I can be grateful for. But every now and then, and this is getting less and less frequent but, the most recent episode, I'd just be overcome with sadness and that lost feeling I used to get every time I took a nap with a DVD playing in the background. I miss you. Most of the time. But I actually think that I just miss someone who would look at me in that way. Someone I can just chill with and kiss and fuck and just someone to give me attention LOL my friends aren't enough. I guess this would be so much easier if I had a proper explanation. I know something changed. I just want to know why and how it came about. I reckon I'd be completely fine if this was a gradual thing, but it was so abrupt, my mind has trouble adjusting. I feel like I'm repeating myself. It's already getting better, I know that. I'm just so... I don't want to admit it LOL Honestly, I just need someone else in my life who will do all that with me and because I don't, my mind keeps circling back to you. I haven't been 'on my own' for this entire year and I guess it's just hard to go back LOL I just need a distraction. You were a pretty good one.

Ordinary People

I saw you yesterday. I saw you from afar and I didn't really know how I'd react. I mean, I had anticipated the possibility that I would see you as we were walking in the direction of your store. You look different. Did something to your hair. I felt a slight pang of everything I mentioned above. It was only little. Brief. Not enough for me to get worried. I've been completely free of thoughts of you for a while now. I don't want to go back. I don't hate you. I'm not bitter. But I guess there will always be the tiniest feeling inside me. The feeling of incompletion. Maybe this just need a little more time. But I'm good. I'm done. I hope you have a great life.


I'm supposed to be over this. In fact, everything was fine until that one night before my exams where you popped up on my news feed, again. I broke and just let myself get lost in whatever it was you were doing. I told myself this was the first and last time that I would ever wonder about where you were, what you did, but I overestimated my own levelheadedness. I broke. I saw you a few days later. We were working at the same time. You were watching me and it made me feel amazing. You still gave me a thought. I finally felt like I had the upper hand. But the day dragged on and you kept looking at me and then I began to wander. If you are so interested in how I'm doing, why didn't you just ask me earlier. Why didn't you bother to call or snoop around through one of our mutual friends. And that if you were still curious about how I am, why did we ever end things. This is where my imagination got the better of me and I started thinking about all the things we could've done had we never stopped seeing each other. I became really angry. If you still cared, that means we stopped for no reason. It means that the last 4 or so months were lived in ambivalence and limbo and just pure shittiness for no fucking reason. But then I reminded myself that that was just my imagination. I had to remind myself that despite how much I may miss having something like you, you were a pretty shit person for doing what you did. And then my mind would wander to my actions. I'd question myself and my integrity as a girlfriend. Was I not attentive enough? Maybe you tried to advance things but I just didn't notice. But if that were the case, then I wouldn't be the one in this situation, really. We are neither and both at fault. I just wish things were simpler.

Tear it Down
Tuesday, October 7, 2014 // 4:23 PM

Tuesday: Col and I found the stingray at Garie
Wednesday: I think we just ate a lot LOL
Thursday: Maria Huynh and I at Uni
Friday: I think begins now LOL?? Im so confused LOL

Drinkz with various baes at Bistro
Aston Shuffle!!
Aston Shuffle!!
Aston Shuffle!!

KIK luv
Post Aston!!!

Some beach that WAS NOT resolute beach LOL on Sunday. Was still very nice

Da biew!!!

Miss Vietnam 2014