Hello, long time. How y'all been?
Just need a space to write and reflect on the year, cos boy what a year it's been.
What's another word for highlights without the positive connotation? 2019 was such an eventful year and there was so much personal growth. I felt like I just needed to acknowledge the events that got me here. To a place where I feel pretty damn happy and strong and loved.
and so...
1)
I went through a pretty big break up at the beginning of the year. It was sudden, it was drawn out and it was pretty fucking messy. There were days, especially at the beginning, where I felt like I was in actual agony and there were days a little later where I was just apathetic. This wasn't like my first break up where the absence of a boyfriend left me questioning my self worth and fucked with my self esteem. It genuinely felt like I lost a part of my self. I lost my best friend.
Moving forward was hard not because I felt like I was worthless, but because it felt as though I couldn't do anything on my own. We were together for a few years and became pretty big parts of each others lives (as one would hope). We did everything together. Then one day it had to stop. But I still needed to do the things that I needed to do. I don't know if I'm explaining this well at all lol. Just know that I had to learn how to be alone and how to fill the big gaping hole in my heart, slowly, with people and things that would only marginally compare to what I had perviously. It was hard.
I'm actually so lucky to have such a great support network around me. My friends, family, uni friends. I have all of them to thank for getting me through such a tough period of time in my life. There was one person in particular who gets a special mention. She is mature beyond her years. She listened to me lie everytime I said I was okay. She bullied me into seeing a psychologist when she saw that this was affecting every aspect of my life. And she gave me that one bit of advice (and every other piece of advice) that I needed to properly heal. I don't know if you will ever read this, but know that I am so grateful to be able to call you my friend.
2)
I burnt out. After the break up, I tried filling all my time with uni and extra curricular activities and teaching etc. It made me feel good that I could help my friends and that I was getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things. But with all the things I picked up, on top of uni and on top of not really dealing with my emotions properly, I burnt out. I performed the worse I have ever performed at a uni (this is not that big a deal, but to help put things into perspective lmao).
We had a uni assignment and I chose to draw a comic strip about the idea of perfectionism in medicine. When I showed my friends, they all looked at me concerned and asked if the person in the comic strip was me. It didn't register to me at the time that it actually is/was.
I remember the day I realised I was a bit of a perfectionist. It was so random and literally had nothing to do with all the things listed above, but it was that kind of segregated-enough-from-my-life type of comment that struck a chord with me. All I did was offer to help to make some tags for my oz tag team and a team mate just said jokingly, "god jess, why do you have to be so perfect all the time" and I was like wow. Hey, yeah he's right, I actually didn't need to offer to do any of that. I didn't need to go out of my way to run anatomy lessons for my friends, I didn't need to force myself to play a sport that gave me anxiety every time before a game and I didn't need to drop every part of my life to try and achieve such unattainable academic goals that I had set for myself.
Just to drive a point home. Medicine can become your whole life if you let it. I was unconsciously doing this, and I guess the people around me were too, so it felt like it was the norm. Around exam time, I would go to uni and study for 12+ hours a day. I would come home to my parents already sleeping. I would reject plans to see my friends, even for just an hour or two, so I could study. I didn't work. There was actually a whole 3 or 4 weeks I didn't see my sister because she only comes home on the weekends and I was just not there. After receving the disappointing results (disappointing because I actually studied the hardest I have ever studied in my life. I gave up almost everything to do this and at the end of the day, if I had shaved off 2 hours, 2 days or even 2 weeks from my whole exam prep, I would have always gotten the same marks because the questions were cooked) I realised that it wasn't worth it.
3)
I proritised work life balance. After above mentioned events, I realised that I want med to fit into my life, not for my life to fit around medicine. It was so hard to rewire my brain, but I spent the next semester trying to make more of an active effort to come home for dinner with my parents, especially around exam period, to make time to see friends and to go out to birthdays and events and conferences where I know I would meet new amazing people and gain new perspectives, unlock my potential, make waves. You know the deal.
I still tried at uni, it's not in my nature to just leave things to chance. I think I found that middle ground between studying enough, and studying smart so that I could have more time to do the things that are really important to me.
4)
I put myself first. I guess this plays off everything I kind of mentioned already, but it's a pretty big deal for me. I'm like the biggest people pleaser lmao and I always tried to make everyone else happy, to keep the peace. This year I genuinely just did whatever I wanted and I didn't keep quiet about things that I would've let slide in the past. I went out, a lot, lol. I had so much fun. I was more upfront with my friends. I told them if something upset me, even if it meant I upset them. This is probably the biggest thing because I feel like I've made closer friends out of acquaintences and I got even closer to my best friends at home.
Some friends pushed me to put myself out there again and I was picky. For once in my life I told myself it was okay if I didn't respond to that guy who took me out because of this or that. Usually I would always message, just to be polite. But fuck it. I ain't settling for shit lol. One of the biggest things I took away from my last relationship is a firm belief in what I'm worth and what I'm owed. This makes me sound like an entitled bitch lmao, but please believe me when I tell you that this was the best thing for me to learn.
5)
I learned to love myself. How fucking corny right. I'm not saying I didn't love myself before.. I guess I just became okay with who I am and acknowledged the fact that it might not be for everyone, and that's okay. One friend told me that the best thing she liked about me was that I was unapologetically myself. I didn't know how to take it at first, but I found that it was one of the biggest compliments anyone has ever paid me. I'm crude, I'm pretty blunt, I'm needy, sometimes I feel like I can't sit still like I have adhd or something lmao and I'm okay with that. Because from that I believe that I'm fun(ny), honest and I'm always down to hang and will give you my full attention lmao.
Another thing that added to this was my hobby/ new found lifestyle of training and going to the gym. I've been gymming for a while but didn't take it seriously until the beginning of last year. I hopped onto a training program, I trained 5-6 times a week, I was meticiously counting my calories. After a little while I found myself becoming a bit obsessed with the whole food thing. In short, I believe I was on the brink of an eating disorder earlier this year. lol ! fun times. My friends tried to intervene, but I didn't listen. But that's in the past now. I spent the year eating well. Eating enough to fuel my body given all the physical activity I do. Eating out with my friends for celebrations and enjoying it. And not being so strict about everything. I feel like I now have a better relationship with food. I definitely feel more in tune with my body and I know when she wants a fat burger and when its time to have some salad and prioritise my vitamins and ninerals lol.
I love lifting. I love feeling strong in the gym because it makes me feel strong in life. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, but I'm also the best I've ever looked. It has been a great year in terms of fitness :)
***********************
Wow, okay I didn't think this was going to end on the gym, but it's a pretty big part of my life and it makes me super happy lmao. It's been a fucking long year. My best friends and I had our group Christmas dinner last night and we got pretty drunk cos we've allllll had long years haha. I feel like I've grown up so much in this year and I genuinely am the best version of myself at this point in time.
I'm really happy. I hope you all are too.
Talk soon,
Jess xx