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stay gold forever

being here with you

we were meant to fly

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this layout was hand coded by twelfthnight ( else ) with inspiration from Gold Forever by The Wanted. Gold from colourlovers

feki - remember
Sunday, May 24, 2015 // 2:54 AM

 First suturing workshop!

 So funny story. This is Nguyen. He is from Adelaide. When I was in Thailand I became friends with 2 girls from Adelaide who also do med. I asked him if he knew them and lo and behold, they're actually friends. WOT.
 Aftermath of Bobby's birthday LOL
 Laundry on Bobs' birthday (without bobs:[)
 We replaced collin with Huynh
 Comparing quadz before we got kicked out of Wallace
 After we were kicked out of Wallace
 Not a slut
 Not a slut
 Not a slut
 First St John's shift!! :)

 Got hair cut. Fringe like Nick Carter. So annoying :'(
 Post pachas
 Mid pachas
 Hi Jackson
 Squad with our baby (poster) that we actually managed to get done in essentially 3 days LOL
Sunset after work today. It was like 4:30. Why is the sun setting at 430??!?!?!?!?

Life. May ed.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015 // 2:31 AM

Sometimes I feel like I take on too much responsibility for my own good. Not in the sense where I can't cope, I'm just lazy enough to know when to not bite off more than I can chew, but I always choose to do things on my own, or for others, because it kinda makes me happy. You all probably think that it's a good thing and don't know why I'm complaining, haha, but I guess I'm talking about the cumulative effects of being so responsible, especially with me cos I believe I've been this way since I was really young. 

I have friends who look at me and tell me that I have my life together and that I'm so independent and all that jazz, and depending on the day it'll actually make me feel great. The fact that they're acknowledging the way I am, the way I sort of (not purposefully) built myself up to be. But because I know they see me in this light, I feel like I can't be crazy, like I can't make mistakes and I can't show them that my life is kind of falling apart. It's all me, though. No one is telling me to be a walking rock, no one is expecting me to either. But somewhere in my mind that's what makes sense. Like I believe that's how I should be. 

Of course, when I do tell my friends or my sister my problems, they tell me that I can be vulnerable, they encourage me to vent, to talk, to sort through my thoughts and worries with them, and I love them for it. But somewhere in my mind, I can't seem to do it. I don't like being this way. I don't like being vulnerable. But of course I know everyone is now and again, and I am no exception. So I build up a wall. There is almost always a mini facade of happiness and levelheadedness on my part, lol. But I try my best to not lie about how I feel. 

That being said, the worst thing about this is not my inability to show them my weaknesses. I choose not to and I feel that's okay in a general setting, obviously when things all become too hectic, I vent. It's how I am and it's also a choice I make, to be like this. The worst thing, though, is the way I get so bitter and angry just to myself, when I'm feeling crap and no one asks me if I'm okay. 

I get bitter about the fact that no one is there to look after me. Which is so dumb, I know, because I don't even voice my problems. This is particularly the case with my parents, like they don't really treat me like a kid, and when we talk I'm always telling them I have it together, but I feel like because I am their child, I am entitled to their treating me like a kid. And when I need their help with small trivial things, and they don't follow through, because they know there is always an alternate option in which I get whatever I need on my own, they will just tell me to do that. Because they're so used to the idea of my doing shit on my own.

But I want them to worry about me a lot more than they do, not because I'm out there doing bad stuff, but because I just want to feel like I'm their child, not just a person who is sleeping in one of the bedrooms in the house. But I know it's not fair of me to ask this, not really, because I know they will worry and they will baby me if I ask, but they'll do it in regards to all aspects of my life, and I know that I would absolutely hate that. 

I guess this is kinda what it's like to be an adult. Don't get me wrong, every other day, the freedom is amazing. But days like this, its just shit. lol. 

PS (of course, my parents love me LOL and I know they do and I love them.)

right now
Sunday, May 10, 2015 // 3:49 PM

  • So many things going around in my brain
  • So many assessments and group things omg
  • I'm getting so sick of group work
  • Not the people doe I love (most of) the people in my group assignments
  • There isn't enough time in a day
  • Lol, this is what I get for being social
  • Idk how u came into my life, but rn I am quite glad that you did
  • And a last note, I didn't know you, but I've met your family. And I can say that never have I seen such a great sense of community until I'd met them. Everyone who was there, all the lives you've touched, they care about you so much and I am actually sad that you're no longer here. Even if it's not for you, I'm sad that they've lost you. You've had such an impact on so many people. I hope you're happier now. 

Wednesday, May 6, 2015 // 2:20 AM

So for the longest time, I gave no shits about microeconomics, my gen ed for the semester. The first few weeks were super interesting mainly cos I understood it, and really the only reason that was the case was because it reflected the most basic general knowledge. Like everything was logical cos it reflected common sense. Like, if you're charging 5$ for an apple, and your neighbour is charging 50c, you would probably want to lower your price, cos you won't be able to sell anything.

Anyway, that lasted a good 2 weeks, then they started using all this jargon and you know, back in primary and high school, how the teachers would always say "you can't use the word your defining in your definition"... Well, it turns out the people in ECON1101 didn't get that memo and it became a little convoluted, mainly because I don't come from an economics/business background.

It wasn't until today that I was fully immersed in proper ECON1101 goodness, and I actually understood and enjoyed everything I was taught. We went through the concept of monopoly (not the game, unfortunately). Anyway, within it, my tutor was talking about price discrimination and I guess I found it so captivating cos it's not something you tend to think about. Like, there is one set price for a certain good and that's the way it is for everyone, no matter what financial background you come from. Like, I've never really questioned why that is, I just thought that it was fair. And that is the concept they're trying to convey. But there is always price discrimination and companies have found ways to work around it, without it being prejudice and illegal.

Anyway, people and companies want to charge you a certain amount, depending on how much you earn and how much you're willing to spend on a certain good. Like in Thailand, the people who don't like to haggle at markets are willing to pay an insane 400 Baht for elephant pants, and the vendors let it happen, but for the people who want to haggle, they can get it down to about 120 Baht and the vendors are still quite happy to sell it at that price too. But the world doesn't consist of flea markets unfortunately, and more often than not you can't haggle at department stores or supermarkets.

So what companies have done is, they categorize us into groups. There are obviously people who are price takers and will buy things as the RRP, but for the people who refrain because it's too much or whatever, companies have implemented a concept called "menu pricing" kinda like the set menus you can get at restaurants and stuff. You get packaged deals which include x amount of courses for this much money. And each package price and each individual price varies, and from there they can determine which group you fall into (i.e. super stingy, don't really care, or lives lavishly lol these aren't real groups btw). Anyway, in the same way, stores and companies have deals like buy 2 get 1 free, like we do at Dymocks. The price per item decreases, but overall you're spending more in 1 go and that's all that matters to them appaz.

There were some really interesting examples, but I've forgotten most of them, damn. But anyway, they can target certain groups. Like, if you're a student you are eligible for certain discounts like on move tickets or online clothes stores and that, same with pensioners. Then they can track you, and they start putting up ads all over your facebook catering to your student needs. That's how they reel you in. Same way with airlines and plane tickets. Depending on the day of week (appaz it's 5% cheaper on tuesdays) and what time of the day you buy, they can categorize you into these groups. Like if you buy anytime before 5 pm they assume that you're buying for leisure and they offer you a deal, but if you buy after 5 pm they categorize you as a "business" person, and the deals are withheld because if you're travelling on business, you are a price taker cos you have to go where you need to go. Like, shit like this is so interesting. Oh yeah, one more thing that I thought was like wow, apparently with concert tickets, they vary from city to city depending on that city's median income value. No wonder shows in Syd are always a little more expensive than in other cities in Aus :(

Anyway, my tutor recommended a follow up course which looks at all this stuff, and I am contemplating doing it, but I have a feeling there are other prereq's and it'll probably be super hard.

Oh well, guess I'm stuck with Introduction into the Workplace and Terror and Religion. Should be good. I feel so free now. I have 1 hand in and 1 exam next week. It hasn't been this cruisey in a while :)

How have y'all been?

What I would've done
Monday, May 4, 2015 // 7:08 AM

This is something I wrote for one of my anatomy classes in regards to our most recent assignment. It wasn't kiss-assy enough to remain on that domain, so I'm moving it here LOL

An update on the reflection I uploaded on Friday. 

The events which took place on Saturday (yesterday) really opened my eyes to the poor structure and unfairness of this whole assessment.

After Hai and I slaved away in the Library for almost 12 straight hours (thank god there is now a 24 hr section, otherwise I don't know what in the world we would've done), we still couldn't produce a polished final product. It wasn't until today, after working the most mundane 9 hour shift at Dymocks, that I was able to produce the final piece so he could combine it all.

When we were editing yesterday, we ran into so many walls and had to scrap the entire thing twice. We realised that in filming the footage earlier, we had forgotten vital bits here and there and thank the lord I didn't return the crayons, because most things had to be redrawn and refilmed on each other to fill in the gaps of the video. But this wasn't even our biggest concern.

I initially found the concept of a video assessment to be fun and creative and a breath of fresh air from what we normally do, and I assume that's what the conveners had in mind when they implemented this assessment task. But what they failed to consider, is that we are not a film course. Most people do not possess the skills to film or edit videos to a high quality, and that is just reality. This first point sets certain teams at an unfair advantage. I mean, it was so, so lucky that two people from our group could edit, and we already had possible editing programs we could use. But there are some teams out there in which the members had no filming/editing back ground and they had to learn it all from scratch and so, they put in so much more effort into learning how to do things as well as doing all the things that needed to be done.

Continuing on with the fact that although we are not film students, we are science students and yes, we have all been reworked and molded into problem-solving machines, but to expect us to somehow find the programs to edit, be it using the ones that come on our laptops (which are generally very limiting in the amount of stuff you can actually do), pirating well-known programs (that's illegal though), or actually going out to buy the programs so we can edit the assessment, is complete bollocks. At the very least, if it were to run smoothly, the university or the conveners should have given us access to an editing program, even if it remains on the university computers. Hai and I slaved away at our trial versions of Sony Vegas, which kept freezing or crashing every time we imported too much data onto each track. We had to restart twice, and render them in portions just because we had to make do with what we had. It was an unnecessary waste of time for us to have to do that, when we could've been given access to the full version of any editing program, and it'd be even more helpful if we were given a brief workshop on how to edit, for those who don't know how. That way, the teams won't have to rely on one person to carry them in the final leg of the task.

I spoke to a few people from different groups and the consensus was the same. You can't really share the editing load. Sure, one person can make up a small introduction and the rest of the group can write a script and film the videos, but at the end of the day, it's one person editing for consistency and fluidity and coherency. Other members can hang around, but to be quite frank they become redundant with the exception of moral support and perhaps as a means to vent. Sure, we all contributed and we all did our part, and I love my team and we get along so well and I can tell them everything that's gone wrong without them making me feel like I was the one who stuffed up, but at the end of the day editing is the largest portion of assessment. It puts together all the ideas, it amalgamates the creative visuals with the educational audios and while editing, it is that one person who has to look out for mistakes in the film and mistakes in the voice overs and make sure they align. And yes, you can have people look over it before hand, but they would've looked at it as separate entities, and that misses out the whole point of making a video.

Of course, of course, you can have two people hovering around the same keyboard and mouse - Hai and I tried that yesterday and although neither of us are incompetent and despite both of us having the same creative and academic outlook with the future of the video, we just physically got in each others way. It got to a point where I was slaving over the keyboard for a good 2 hours and he was just sleeping, not because he was slacking off, but because this video assignment made his time at that point, redundant. His contributions were rendered moot just because it only works when one person edits at one time. It literally would not have made a difference if all 6 of us were there, because the people who weren't editing would have just been sitting on their behinds, twiddling their thumbs until more filming or audio recording needed to be done. Could the others have filmed the missing parts if all 6 of us were there? Yes. But would they have optimally utilised their time if they did come, just as moral support and to stand around, on the off chance that we needed to refilm some things? Well, maybe not. Not optimally.

I just want to take a moment to clarify that, even though my team mates didn't edit, it doesn't mean that they didn't contribute. They did, and they contributed to the best of their ability. But their ability and their workload is limited because nothing is as big as the editing. They pulled their weight, they did their part, but at the end of the day it was the editors who had to stay up to compile and render. And it's the same case in every team. No matter how hard my team mates worked, and no matter how frustrated Hai and I got at the lack of a properly functioning program, we couldn't blame anyone else. It wasn't their fault and it most certainly is not our fault that this process was more strenuous and more tedious than it needed  to be.  And is all comes down to the simple fact we had no support from the course. No resources were made available, no consideration was given to those who didn't possess the necessary skills,  there was just too much pressure placed on the person editing.

In my most humble opinion, the nature of this assessment will remain unfair until there is a way in which each group includes a member who has adequate knowledge of filming and editing, be it running editing workshops, making programs available to us through the uni computers, hell, even screening us for prior editing practice and distributing us accordingly. Ultimately, though, until there are other components added to the assessment, or if we are informed at the very beginning that the editing maybe isn't a major part, or if one of the learning outcomes is that we don't need to have a very fluid product, then maybe sharing the workload will be possible and it won't come down to one or two people doing the majority of the assignment.

Sunday, May 3, 2015 // 12:12 AM

Let the record show that we've tried to render this video about 6 times now and it won't ever complete. WHY DOES IT KEEP FREEZING OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

So my group mate Hai and I are at uni right now trying to get this video done and out of the way before Monday and it just keeps fucking up. I'm so sick of this shit honestly, like we've had to reedit the same things about 7 times now because it wouldn't save properly and the rendering wouldn't work too well.

Anyway, so after all the exams my mates and I hung out for the first time in ages. We got thai food and then we joined Mary and Jane at Kenny's for a little bit before going to 24-hour Kmart to shop. I had a blast. There was this kinetic sand thing which was just amazing! Then we headed to Bobbys and chilled for a bit. I forgot what we did but we listened to JB's new song a lot.

I've been putting Lean On and Where are you now on repeat like everywhere I go. This one night Clarence and I stayed back to study in a seminar room and we turned on the projector/monitor thing and just played our own music and had a little dance sesh. Was heaps of fun.

I've been trying to cut shapes a little more. Need to work on my fluidity. I can do a bunch of moves individually but transitioning and changing is still a bit awks, then I just go into my faux-gabber LOL cos that's always soooo cool.......................................................

I literally haven't done anything outdoor-sy since rural. But I feel like I'm enveloping myself more in the uni life. I joined the St John Ambos society earlier this year and I attended my first event on Thursday! It started off slow, but we got free dinner and it felt like we were a family :) Then at about 11 our first patient came in and it was pretty consistent after that. I've also been meeting up with a couple of high school mates to discuss the potential of creating our own society. It's going pretty well so far, we've set up a nice foundation with the people who run the organisation we want to represent and we're in our final stages. I hope it all works out!

Anyway, I can't wait for freedom. Med Apps came out yesterday and all my med sci friends and I will be swamped until after finals. I think I'm going to invest all my time in the mid-year break into being a sloth LOL jokes I'm gonna try and do and see as much as I can. I don't hate being inside and I don't really mind studying all that much, but I feel that it takes something away from me. Like a part of me slowly atrophies until there is no more happy Jess.... until I get to play outside LOL I'm only kidding.

I've gotten the approval to work at Allday and Enter Shikari's concerts! I can't wait to hear Sorry You're Not a Winner. Omg, dem high school dayz.

Hopefully my next few posts won't be as whiny and boring.

Hopefully I do something fun soon so I think my head will explode

Friday, May 1, 2015 // 1:50 AM

 Our first pit stop. I showed them Lincoln's rock!
 Liam enjoyed it LOL

 Outside the HealthOne clinic in Molong

 David and Liam with Dr Christie. He was so nice :)

 Our Hotel in Trangie

 V nice dining room that we only used once
 Kitchen very spacious

 The hospital in trangie. I think the population was only about 1000 here. This is where Dr Ash bought us lunch and invited us to chill in his house lol. He also told us were the (2) cool/interesting places were in Trangie. We went into a Vinnies and all bought a sweater :) They're all v cute, I also found a pair of loafers which were my size and only 2$ for the pair! I cinderella
 Trunk of sheep
 Swinging in our lunch break
 waiting in Clinic for Ash to come back
 The drive to Tottenham was amazing. Up until this today (our 3rd day on the road) It had been cloudy or just pouring and shit. It was nice and refreshing to have the sun out :) It was also really nice to drive in the day time LOL

 Stopped 4 photoshoot
 I love dis omg lol

 Very well synchronized imo

 The bogan way
 moar sunset
 I love these things!!!
 Tottenham central school. I think there were only about 100 kids at this school which catered for years k-12. It wasn't locked. So we walked in. Checked out their library through the window, they have a lot of rural magazines n that. There was a zumba class on at the adjacent park. Was kee to join but also did not want to deal with the weird stares lol
 made pasta in a microwave LOL literally thought we were gonna blow the fuse on this little old hotel cos we had things in there for a total of like 40 minutes or something
 pls sir, can I have some more? (in the sweater we bought in Trangie)

 Brekkie on a balcony

The most westerly point we reach, Tottenham, which also happens to be the town closest to the geographical centre of NSW! The further out we went, the better the medical facilities were, which was kind of ironic cos we all expected it to be underfunded and just run down and stuff. But if you think about it, I guess the reason it is newer is because they were probably without any proper facilities or very poor facilities for the longest time and they've only recently gotten the upgrade.
 Centre of NSW
This is Trundle. Apparently, it is home to the widest road in NSW. This is Liam and David on the other side of the road! I'm not too sure about it being the absolute widest, but it is damn fat. The road itself where cars can drive is definitely wider than Sydney roads, probs over 1.5 times the width of each lane. Next to each lane though is just like a gap, like empty road, and there are spaces to park your car, and next to that moving laterally, towards the curb/foot path, there is another big gap where cars can do u turns and then there is the curb. LOL It's fucking wide.
Some fun announcements on the town's billboard. "The Shed" LOL I want us to have a place called the Shed.
Stolden tornado bike??
But anyt other day is ok :)
The CSIRO satellite in Parkes

Moar sunset. We had some good Chinese food in Orange, but they really skimped out on the rice so the boys weren't happy. We got home at 11 that night and I spent the longest time just processing all the things I had seen and experienced.

Definitely an eye-opening trip! I am so grateful to have been a part of such a keen and motivated group. And even though out of the 100+ people we called, we only got 3 OK's, it was worth it in the end and I wouldn't have had it any other way