NYE and New Years day were great. I spent it at the beach with my best friends and I'd have to say it's the best celebration of the new year I've ever had. But when all the hype subsided and reality kicked in, I remembered how unfortunately disappointed I was with my life and my choices. I had lost a job, I didn't make it into med school and I couldn't say goodbye to my kids. One of my best friends was leaving for the summer and the other had a boy to distract himself with. 

I felt so incredibly and unbelievably alone that I spent all summer trying to run away from it. It was then that I realised that I have the ability to change my own life. It sounds a bit weird, but I guess I was relying so much on my friends to give my life a purpose, I guess, that I forgot to look after myself and it even made me forget how independence and confidence used to come so easily to me. 

A short while after that I decided to make a change in my life and I found a new friend to hang out with. He was great, but I think we were on different pages in terms of things we wanted so it didn't really work out. Despite all that, going on the few dates with him really opened my eyes to the kind of person I am. I mean, I've evaluated myself on numerous occasions but it doesn't come as raw or as un-tampered-with as it does when you're on dates. I guess its some evolutionary thing, your mind telling you to be honest and straight forward about what you want, especially because you're trying to find the perfect mate. So that was a good learning experience, haha. 

Shortly after that I entered my first real relationship. This boy was a little different, though. He wasn't as straight forward as the first and retrospectively, I don't really think I got to know him at all, but I had a lot of fun mucking around with him and I think that's all I was really ready for. Frankly, there was just so much miscommunication that I'm surprised we lasted as long as we did. He started out wanting more, just like the first boy did, but I was confused and inexperienced and I told him I wasn't ready for anything serious. By the end, oh how the turn tables. There was probably an unconscious influence from my friends, most of whom were in year long relationships. They'd say things and do things with their partners that probably only comes about when you've been with a person for such a long time. But because all of them were at that stage, idk it felt weird how he and I weren't there yet. Even though we were unbelievably new at this. Looking back, I obviously needed guidance. I should've stopped comparing myself to my friends and tried harder to communicate with him instead. By the end, we had switched stances. I was ready but he kept me at arms length and that was the first time I've ever gotten my heart broken. I don't think I loved him, but maybe I was close.

Then came more loss. Actually, it was more intertwined with everything else. I didn't make the best decisions at the point of the year, haha, but I did learn. When you lose someone, a family member, no matter how close or distant, it kind of awakens something inside of you. I felt pain. I guess even though death can put someone out of their misery and it can take away their pain, it lingers in everyone who was left behind. That's what I felt. From my dad, my sister and my cousins and it is probably one of the worst feelings

Like I told one of my closest friends, this was just a really shit time for me. I can't believe I ever let my life get this shit. I understand that most things were out of my hand, but I still had control over one thing and that was my studies and even that went to shits. 

I found the time after this to really pay attention to myself. I finally asked for help and things slowly, but progressively got better. I became a lot more selfish and I don't regret it. I was finally able to do things that made me happy and I refused to get pushed around and I think I had one of the best mid year breaks because of it. I became closer to my family and to my uni friends and I finally branched away from my tight knit circle of high school and uni friends. 

It's surprising how much you can learn from short encounters with others. This happened a lot at university. I didn't join any clubs or societies but I did befriend quite a few people from my med sci and other general med / science students. We're all different kinds of people but we all share the same passion and dream and that acted like an anchor to keep us together while I endured and learned and experienced. I could literally feel the SWS ignorance washing away from me throughout the second semester. 

Work got easier too. I'm not sure if it was because people started to warm up to the person that I am or if I had changed, but I felt closer to everyone at Dymocks and Stu's and the blood bank. I went to a party with one of my work mates and all his friends are surprisingly like my group of friends and we all got along which was excellent. 

I can still feel myself growing and changing. With every new person that I meet and every story that I have the privilege to hear, I'm starting to understand the complexity of life and society and the beauty of nature and I'm starting to believe in things and respect things and it's all so wonderful. 

It may seem as though 2014 wasn't really my year, but I think it's the accumulation of the small things that made it one of the best so far. I wouldn't have had it any other way :)

Anyway, before I leave y'all, have a video which perfectly sums up how puzzled I get when I think about how life works, haha. 

Have  a wonderful 2015! 

Love, 

Jess