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this layout was hand coded by twelfthnight ( else ) with inspiration from Gold Forever by The Wanted. Gold from colourlovers

Life. May ed.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015 // 2:31 AM

Sometimes I feel like I take on too much responsibility for my own good. Not in the sense where I can't cope, I'm just lazy enough to know when to not bite off more than I can chew, but I always choose to do things on my own, or for others, because it kinda makes me happy. You all probably think that it's a good thing and don't know why I'm complaining, haha, but I guess I'm talking about the cumulative effects of being so responsible, especially with me cos I believe I've been this way since I was really young. 

I have friends who look at me and tell me that I have my life together and that I'm so independent and all that jazz, and depending on the day it'll actually make me feel great. The fact that they're acknowledging the way I am, the way I sort of (not purposefully) built myself up to be. But because I know they see me in this light, I feel like I can't be crazy, like I can't make mistakes and I can't show them that my life is kind of falling apart. It's all me, though. No one is telling me to be a walking rock, no one is expecting me to either. But somewhere in my mind that's what makes sense. Like I believe that's how I should be. 

Of course, when I do tell my friends or my sister my problems, they tell me that I can be vulnerable, they encourage me to vent, to talk, to sort through my thoughts and worries with them, and I love them for it. But somewhere in my mind, I can't seem to do it. I don't like being this way. I don't like being vulnerable. But of course I know everyone is now and again, and I am no exception. So I build up a wall. There is almost always a mini facade of happiness and levelheadedness on my part, lol. But I try my best to not lie about how I feel. 

That being said, the worst thing about this is not my inability to show them my weaknesses. I choose not to and I feel that's okay in a general setting, obviously when things all become too hectic, I vent. It's how I am and it's also a choice I make, to be like this. The worst thing, though, is the way I get so bitter and angry just to myself, when I'm feeling crap and no one asks me if I'm okay. 

I get bitter about the fact that no one is there to look after me. Which is so dumb, I know, because I don't even voice my problems. This is particularly the case with my parents, like they don't really treat me like a kid, and when we talk I'm always telling them I have it together, but I feel like because I am their child, I am entitled to their treating me like a kid. And when I need their help with small trivial things, and they don't follow through, because they know there is always an alternate option in which I get whatever I need on my own, they will just tell me to do that. Because they're so used to the idea of my doing shit on my own.

But I want them to worry about me a lot more than they do, not because I'm out there doing bad stuff, but because I just want to feel like I'm their child, not just a person who is sleeping in one of the bedrooms in the house. But I know it's not fair of me to ask this, not really, because I know they will worry and they will baby me if I ask, but they'll do it in regards to all aspects of my life, and I know that I would absolutely hate that. 

I guess this is kinda what it's like to be an adult. Don't get me wrong, every other day, the freedom is amazing. But days like this, its just shit. lol. 

PS (of course, my parents love me LOL and I know they do and I love them.)