Bucket List,

Alex, Annie, Bobs, Caludia, Cathy, Cynthia, Danny, Danny, Dono, Emily, Jenny, Juliana, Jun, Kae, Lyanna, Maria, Martin, Nancy, Nita, Othilia.

ϟ June 2008
ϟ July 2008
ϟ August 2008
ϟ September 2008
ϟ October 2008
ϟ November 2008
ϟ December 2008
ϟ January 2009
ϟ February 2009
ϟ March 2009
ϟ April 2009
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ϟ June 2009
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ϟ August 2009
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ϟ November 2009
ϟ December 2009
ϟ January 2010
ϟ February 2010
ϟ March 2010
ϟ April 2010
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ϟ June 2010
ϟ July 2010
ϟ August 2010
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ϟ November 2010
ϟ December 2010
ϟ January 2011
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ϟ June 2011
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ϟ October 2011
ϟ November 2011
ϟ December 2011
ϟ January 2012
ϟ February 2012
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ϟ April 2012
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ϟ June 2012
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ϟ January 2013
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ϟ January 2014
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ϟ January 2015
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ϟ June 2015
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ϟ December 2015
ϟ January 2016
ϟ February 2016
ϟ March 2016
ϟ April 2016
ϟ May 2016
ϟ June 2016
ϟ July 2016
ϟ August 2016
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ϟ November 2016
ϟ December 2016
ϟ January 2017
ϟ February 2017
ϟ March 2017
ϟ May 2017
ϟ June 2017
ϟ July 2017
ϟ August 2017
ϟ September 2017
ϟ October 2017
ϟ November 2017
ϟ December 2017
ϟ January 2018
ϟ February 2018
ϟ March 2018
ϟ May 2018
ϟ December 2019

this layout was hand coded by twelfthnight ( else ) with inspiration from Gold Forever by The Wanted. Gold from colourlovers

Hello, long time. How y'all been?

Just need a space to write and reflect on the year, cos boy what a year it's been.

What's another word for highlights without the positive connotation? 2019 was such an eventful year and there was so much personal growth. I felt like I just needed to acknowledge the events that got me here. To a place where I feel pretty damn happy and strong and loved.

and so...

1) I went through a pretty big break up at the beginning of the year. It was sudden, it was drawn out and it was pretty fucking messy. There were days, especially at the beginning, where I felt like I was in actual agony and there were days a little later where I was just apathetic. This wasn't like my first break up where the absence of a boyfriend left me questioning my self worth and fucked with my self esteem. It genuinely felt like I lost a part of my self. I lost my best friend.

Moving forward was hard not because I felt like I was worthless, but because it felt as though I couldn't do anything on my own. We were together for a few years and became pretty big parts of each others lives (as one would hope). We did everything together. Then one day it had to stop. But I still needed to do the things that I needed to do. I don't know if I'm explaining this well at all lol. Just know that I had to learn how to be alone and how to fill the big gaping hole in my heart, slowly, with people and things that would only marginally compare to what I had perviously. It was hard.

I'm actually so lucky to have such a great support network around me. My friends, family, uni friends. I have all of them to thank for getting me through such a tough period of time in my life. There was one person in particular who gets a special mention. She is mature beyond her years. She listened to me lie everytime I said I was okay. She bullied me into seeing a psychologist when she saw that this was affecting every aspect of my life. And she gave me that one bit of advice (and every other piece of advice) that I needed to properly heal. I don't know if you will ever read this, but know that I am so grateful to be able to call you my friend.

2) I burnt out. After the break up, I tried filling all my time with uni and extra curricular activities and teaching etc. It made me feel good that I could help my friends and that I was getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things. But with all the things I picked up, on top of uni and on top of not really dealing with my emotions properly, I burnt out. I performed the worse I have ever performed at a uni (this is not that big a deal, but to help put things into perspective lmao).

We had a uni assignment and I chose to draw a comic strip about the idea of perfectionism in medicine. When I showed my friends, they all looked at me concerned and asked if the person in the comic strip was me. It didn't register to me at the time that it actually is/was.

I remember the day I realised I was a bit of a perfectionist. It was so random and literally had nothing to do with all the things listed above, but it was that kind of segregated-enough-from-my-life type of comment that struck a chord with me. All I did was offer to help to make some tags for my oz tag team and a team mate just said jokingly, "god jess, why do you have to be so perfect all the time" and I was like wow. Hey, yeah he's right, I actually didn't need to offer to do any of that. I didn't need to go out of my way to run anatomy lessons for my friends, I didn't need to force myself to play a sport that gave me anxiety every time before a game and I didn't need to drop every part of my life to try and achieve such unattainable academic goals that I had set for myself.

Just to drive a point home. Medicine can become your whole life if you let it. I was unconsciously doing this, and I guess the people around me were too, so it felt like it was the norm. Around exam time, I would go to uni and study for 12+ hours a day. I would come home to my parents already sleeping. I would reject plans to see my friends, even for just an hour or two, so I could study. I didn't work. There was actually a whole 3 or 4 weeks I didn't see my sister because she only comes home on the weekends and I was just not there. After receving the disappointing results (disappointing because I actually studied the hardest I have ever studied in my life. I gave up almost everything to do this and at the end of the day, if I had shaved off 2 hours, 2 days or even 2 weeks from my whole exam prep, I would have always gotten the same marks because the questions were cooked) I realised that it wasn't worth it.

3) I proritised work life balance. After above mentioned events, I realised that I want med to fit into my life, not for my life to fit around medicine. It was so hard to rewire my brain, but I spent the next semester trying to make more of an active effort to come home for dinner with my parents, especially around exam period, to make time to see friends and to go out to birthdays and events and conferences where I know I would meet new amazing people and gain new perspectives, unlock my potential, make waves. You know the deal.

I still tried at uni, it's not in my nature to just leave things to chance. I think I found that middle ground between studying enough, and studying smart so that I could have more time to do the things that are really important to me.

4) I put myself first. I guess this plays off everything I kind of mentioned already, but it's a pretty big deal for me. I'm like the biggest people pleaser lmao and I always tried to make everyone else happy, to keep the peace. This year I genuinely just did whatever I wanted and I didn't keep quiet about things that I would've let slide in the past. I went out, a lot, lol. I had so much fun. I was more upfront with my friends. I told them if something upset me, even if it meant I upset them. This is probably the biggest thing because I feel like I've made closer friends out of acquaintences and I got even closer to my best friends at home.

Some friends pushed me to put myself out there again and I was picky. For once in my life I told myself it was okay if I didn't respond to that guy who took me out because of this or that. Usually I would always message, just to be polite. But fuck it. I ain't settling for shit lol. One of the biggest things I took away from my last relationship is a firm belief in what I'm worth and what I'm owed. This makes me sound like an entitled bitch lmao, but please believe me when I tell you that this was the best thing for me to learn.

5) I learned to love myself. How fucking corny right. I'm not saying I didn't love myself before.. I guess I just became okay with who I am and acknowledged the fact that it might not be for everyone, and that's okay. One friend told me that the best thing she liked about me was that I was unapologetically myself. I didn't know how to take it at first, but I found that it was one of the biggest compliments anyone has ever paid me. I'm crude, I'm pretty blunt, I'm needy, sometimes I feel like I can't sit still like I have adhd or something lmao and I'm okay with that. Because from that I believe that I'm fun(ny), honest and I'm always down to hang and will give you my full attention lmao.

Another thing that added to this was my hobby/ new found lifestyle of training and going to the gym. I've been gymming for a while but didn't take it seriously until the beginning of last year. I hopped onto a training program, I trained 5-6 times a week, I was meticiously counting my calories. After a little while I found myself becoming a bit obsessed with the whole food thing. In short, I believe I was on the brink of an eating disorder earlier this year. lol ! fun times. My friends tried to intervene, but I didn't listen. But that's in the past now. I spent the year eating well. Eating enough to fuel my body given all the physical activity I do. Eating out with my friends for celebrations and enjoying it. And not being so strict about everything. I feel like I now have a better relationship with food. I definitely feel more in tune with my body and I know when she wants a fat burger and when its time to have some salad and prioritise my vitamins and ninerals lol.

I love lifting. I love feeling strong in the gym because it makes me feel strong in life. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, but I'm also the best I've ever looked. It has been a great year in terms of fitness :)

***********************

Wow, okay I didn't think this was going to end on the gym, but it's a pretty big part of my life and it makes me super happy lmao. It's been a fucking long year. My best friends and I had our group Christmas dinner last night and we got pretty drunk cos we've allllll had long years haha. I feel like I've grown up so much in this year and I genuinely am the best version of myself at this point in time.

I'm really happy. I hope you all are too.



Talk soon,

Jess xx

So I missed my April post again lmao

I ran my first half marathon last weekend and it was super tough. Running just ain't my thing, but I'm heaps glad I did it and super stoked that I actually finished lmao.

Uni stress is building, but I'm too lazy to do anything about it atm

I really wanna go fishing, but they're mostly asleep now cos of winter, bummer.

I wanna go on a holiday

I miss Europe lmao

Okay bai

So I started med school recently. It's been ........... eventful haha. I decided to chose to stay in Sydney and study so I could be closer to home with family and friends - you know, your support network. As a result, I'm studying with high school leavers and although they don't make up the majority, I'm definitely noticing the maturity differences. At first, it was very full on, their presence I mean. But it's been over 3 weeks and we're kind of all melding together. I've met some really nice and fun people over the past month.

I told myself I would be a little bit more involved in this degree than I was in my last. I went to med camp and in retrospect had an absolute blast. On the Saturday night, we had the party and the med students from all grades came and it was so fucking lit hahahaha. The only times I left the dance floor were to get drinks and go to the bathroom. The bathroom escapades were fun. It was like a good 5 min walk into the bush and you'd run into so many people along the way and have 15 min conversations with them and each bathroom run would take almost half an hour hahaha.

So yeah, med camp party was pretty lit, the camp itself was also quite good :) In an attempt to be more involved I also ran for first year rep of the medical society and was elected! along with my friend Anthony. We have so much shit to do lmao, like plan an easter egg hunt, tutorial games, next years med camp etc. I hope I don't get run down because of the responsibilities. I'm excited for the year ahead!

One final thing, idk if I ever expressed this, but during med sci (with the exception of 3rd year) I would have days where I dreaded going into class. During Hons, there were some days where I would dread doing certain experiments, write ups etc. and I think it's because I knew I wasn't really 100% into it. Like my heart wasn't fully there. And while there are ofc good days and bad days with med, I'm looking forward to everyday and each week we have to present/discuss things in our PBL and I actually love it so much. I think I'm finally doing something I really want to do :)

How are y'all?

Today is Tet or the Lunar New Year. Everyone here makes a big deal about it, cleaning the entire house the day before, they have everyone over for dinner and get all dolled up by painting their nails and dying their hair because there's this belief that how you spend your Tet is indicative of how your entire year will play out.

We've been in this town for almost a week now and tomorrow morning we're going to Nha Trang. I mentioned that this was a beach town and I was looking forward to beaching and doing nothing. Despite my best efforts, I never got to swim at the beach here because I was just under prepared and didn't bring swimmers etc. I ran to the beach once in the morning. It was nice, but I didn't want to have to run back to the hotel with wet sandy feet. Mum and I walked there the other day but she didn't want to sit on the sand. When I asked the neighbours family if we could go they're like 'the water is really muddy, don't swim here' lol which is kind of good, I guess? We did go to the beach today, though. No one told me and mum that we were going. We were both under the impression that because it's Tet we'd either stay at home or go and visit relos, but nope. They booked a private bus that took us to a lookout with a nice water hole (where I fell in lol) and to a beach where a boat took us out to a pontoon to have a seafood feast. I was super cut that I didn't bring my swimmers :( the water was crystal clear. We could see the sea floor at depths of 5-8 m! So upset lol

Anyway, another thing I wanted to talk about is travelling with mum. In my previous post I was super pissed off haha, but this last week has been amazing. We don't fight or argue or even bicker, unlike every other trip we've been on together. I think flying with a baby just stresses us all out haha. The baby has been occupied with his family members too, which is both good and bad because he's annoying everyone else now but I miss him haha. Every morning when mum and I stop by and visit, he'd yell out my name through the front gate so I think he misses me too, haha.

Staying in this town for a whole week was really good. I prefer staying in one place for a long time and really exploring the area and finding all the hidden gems than moving around every 2-3 days like we did in Europe. The down side with this though, was that the neighbours family always insisted on us coming over for breakfast and staying for lunch and then taking us out for dinner, so we kind of had to do things on their schedule and by the end I literally felt like we were wasting so much of their time and I felt so guilty. They kept telling one of their cousins to take me out, ride around and show me the city/ hang out with his mates and I did feel like I was bothering him by doing so. But yeah, we rode on motorbikes everyday and I even go to ride for a little bit! I chopped open coconuts for the family to drink and walked through their vineyard and played with their dogs. It's been pretty dope.

Kinda over the flavour of viet food tbh, everything is kind of really sweet. Can't wait to eat a tablespoon of vegemite when I get home!

I'm travelling Vietnam with my Mum, our neighbour and her 1.5 year old son. I've been to Vietnam a few times before with just Mum or with my Aunt also and I always felt bored/lonely cos all they wanted to do was go to temples and go to bed by 9. So I was pretty stoked to go with this baby who I see everyday and love.

However, I didn't realise what travelling with a baby meant until we got to Sydney airport where I basically took on the role of babysitter, father and tour guide for those three. I got frustrated at how my mum would wait for me to carry all 3 bags of luggage even though she had both hands free and my neighbour had one - the baby was in her other arm. I had to ask around for locations of gates and bathrooms and when I headed in the right direction Mum would always sheepishly say "that's not the right direction" and it would frustrate the hell out of me. My mum and my neighbour both speak fluent Vietnamese and yet when we're on Vietnam airlines and they have questions or requests for water or baby food, they force me to do it. I responded with "you speak better viet than I do". So yeah, I was pretty damn frustrated on the first day of the trip.

The next few days we spent walking around Saigon, going to markets and buying odds and ends. I met up with my cousin for dinner and had never been so relieved to be able to speak English to someone who could hold a conversation with me. Then we had to board another plane to go to my neighbours home town - her "Nha Que" in viet. I was snappy again because everything I did was met with contradictory remarks that were just wrong and dumb. We got to Nha Trang airport and were met with my neighbours whole family - her mum, her grandma, her sisters, and nephew and niece. I saw this before, in Greece, while Ems and I were waiting for Bobs. All the family members were anxiously awaiting someone to come off the plane and they were all greeted with hugs and kisses. I thought it was a European thing, but it happened again today, except without the kisses. Only hugs. Asians don't display that kind of affection publicly, haha.

We all hopped in a van and drove 1 h from Nha Trang to Phan Rang, Nha Que of my neighbour and her son. I was sitting in the van just listening to the conversations and everyone was so happy their older sister (my neighbour) had come home with her son for the first time. In that the car I realised everyone fell into the typical archetypal role - there was the know it all aunty, the grandpa that always rambled on to fill the silence but no one really listened to, the little princess niece who was always teased and the really old grandma that almost speaks in tongues and occasionally comes up to you and tells you to eat or apologises for eating vegetarian so close to the new year.

It was a really nice change of pace from the busy Saigon. We got to my neighbours house and they gave us the tour. I peered through the coconut trees and watched the sunset over the mountains and thought of my family and friends at home who also saw the same sun today. We had fresh coconut which was all kinds of refreshing, it was mildly sweet and even had a slight fizz to it. They invited us to stay for dinner which was chicken congee which was made from the house chicken. The meat is a lot chewier than the chicken at home, but has a nice flavour to it. The congee had innards in it and I ate a lung and something round. For a good 5 minutes I was certain I had eaten chicken's testicles. To confirm my curiosity, I asked if the chicken was a male or female. "Female" they all answered - the males are saved for the cock fights they have on the new year. I asked if I could go and watch - as much as I despise animal racing/ sports, my dad had asked me to video a rooster fight or cricket fight, haha. Saying this out loud to them made me miss him and home again.

So this city is taking up the bulk of this trip. It's a small beach town so I'm hoping there will be heaps of days where I can just lay on the beach and do nothing.

So Tove Lo released her 3rd album last month and I am absolutely obsessed. They're just so fun. Listening to the songs is like going on an emotional roller coaster LOL. My faves are:

shedontknowbutsheknows and
hey you got drugs?

I finished up at dymocks lassssst Thursday and I've entered that stage where I am completely free but I feel anxious cos it feels like I've missed a deadline or I'm wasting my time. The free time is nice, though. I've been going to the beach every other day and snorkelling sometimes. Andrew and I signed up for a trial at F45 and it's been going well. Everyone is super nice and friendly and I want to stay but cannot afford :(

My Mum and my sister's birthdays are in Jan and I had a blast going out to two lovely free dinners with my family and my neighbours who are kind of like our adopted family now.


 This is my new fave photo. The little boy is my neighbours son, Henry, and he hangs out with our family every night and he absolutely loves my mum. When I was standing next to her, scratching her head and kissing her forehead he comes up to the chair and makes her cuddle him and pushes my hand away. Then we tested out a theory and got Carol to put her hand on my mums shoulder and he pushed it away too, hahahahahahahahahahaha. Little shit.
Fam photo with our new adopted son :)

I used to make mix tapes/CDs for my friends in high school. There were no themes or anything to them, just songs that I really liked at the time. My good friend Lyanna (hi) made me one back for my 15th birthday and I still listen to it in the car sometimes. In the sea of indie rock/pop from the early naughties is "What's my name" by Drake and Rihanna. I absolutely love it because I was obsessed with that song in year 10, haha.